Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin committed to a sanitarium

In the wee hours of the morning, Castleton Corners, a sanitarium located in New York City, took in Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin, the New York Times reported this morning. The official story from the head office of the New York Knicks basketball club was that Lin had torn his meniscus and would require surgery, but now it is known that the star player has been committed to Castleton Corners due to an acute case of Linsanity.

“Linsanity is a psychosomatic disease that seems to have been spread throughout the continental USA, but is mostly concentrated in the New York area,” said J.D. Flick, the owner of the asylum. “We here at Castleton Corners feel it is our mission to cure these ‘linsaniacs’ by keeping them from contaminating others.” Lin, who had been cut by two previous basketball teams, had emerged as an all-star on the Knicks, sending the New York City area into a frenzy about the chances of a Knicks playoff berth. Sadly, it turns out that all this was just hallucinations brought on by the Linsanity disease, which can infect a patient before doctors can catch it.

“The scary thing is that there’s no pattern to the disease,” Flick continued. “It seems to affect people of very different races and backgrounds, and has even spread to the west coast in some cases. We have called on the government to contain this epidemic, but until then we will stay vigilant for any more signs of this Lindemic. Wait… oh no, I’ve got it too! Help me, Jesus!”

Flick’s assistant told the New York Times that the Knicks team has also contracted a disease known as This Team Sucks Syndrome, which the assistant said possibly was transferred to them from the Mets team down the street. As of now, there is no known cure for the disease.

From the Vault (9/3/2010): Mike Hampton sent down to AA Wii Sports

(The following ‘blog’ is a faux sports post in the stylings of The Onion)

As the season winds down for the last-place Arizona Diamondbacks, team General Manager Josh Byrnes has sent down Mike Hampton, who was signed in August, to double-A, where he will play with the D’backs’ Wii Sports unit. “Due to the spotty play of our recent acquisition, we have decided that sending him to play some Wii Sports baseball will do him some good,” said Byrnes, who had taken some heat for signing the oft-injured pitcher. Some have found this to be yet another sad chapter for the two-time All Star, but interim manager Kirk Gibson thinks this will help Hampton get back into shape.

“Ever since Wii Sports came out in 2006, we have used this baseball simulator to train some of our players so they can get a feel for major league hitting in a more comfortable environment,” Gibson said in an after-game press conference. “Occasionally, I even get into the ol’ batting stance and take a few cracks off of Voldemort. Man, that noseless a-hole can’t throw a curve!”

As of press time, Hampton has pitched one game in Wii Sports, allowing 5 runs in 2.1 innings. The D’backs are currently looking for suitors.

Fifty Million Guaranteed

What are we talking about today? A crazy amount of stuff. We’re talking about Dungeons & Dragons, confusing housing numbers, football (in a roundabout way), and The Pick of Destiny. Let’s begin.

Yesterday night, I watched the movie Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. It wasn’t as good as I was expecting, but it was still good nevertheless. The best part, of course, was the music, because metal wins everything forever. The story kinda ambled on and didn’t amount to much, but Beelzeboss was the greatest boss battle ever.

Hey look, a movie poster.

I didn’t have much on that, but now the houses… the frikken houses… Today is DnD day, so Josh, John, Fails, and I went to pick up David “The Z-Man” Ziezmer. As we went into the neighborhood, we noticed his house had the number 6 on it. Holy crap, a single-numbered home! That means we could find the fabled house number 1 that I made up then.

Pretty much what I was expecting.

But when I looked to the left, the house number was 8. Huh, that’s weird… but maybe even numbers are on this side. After all, house number 7 was on the opposite side. But when I looked to the right, I saw number… 2.

My life got flipped, turned upside down.

Ok, someone can’t count… so it goes 7, 2, 6, 8? My whole life is a lie! Then 10, 11, 15… wait, wut? 59′s on the other street. This couldn’t be over, so we went searching. We found 3 through 5, which had been missing from the previous col-de-sac, but 1 was still gone… After searching through most of the neighborhood, and finding at least five house #7s, it was time to give up. But why? Why would they do this? You terrible numbering architect monsters!

Alright, enough about that. Time for DnD. I played some before, but I didn’t like it. Now it’s back, and about two billion times more derpy. But I can’t really think of anything that happened, so I’m going to ask what happened, right now. Here’s what was said:

• We murdered a whole bunch of people.
• Meh, just take the word for it. I literally don’t care to list anything. I’m bored. Time for the final comment.

I said something about football. Well, kinda. I’ve added a new phrase to my repertoire that er’one should be aware of. If, at some point, you dishonor my famiry or do something wrong, you will hear something along the lines of, “This is unacceptable, I challenge you for the Mario Williams contract!” or, “You have slandered me! I will sue you for the Mario Williams contract!” Mario Williams is a football player, formerly of the Houston Texans, who signed a six year, $100 million contact, with $50 million of it guaranteed. So even if I lose the bout, I get $50 million. Guaranteed.

Oh, the Changes You’ll Hate

I happen to be an avid baseball fan. And by avid, I mean that I read lots of books about the history of the game and don’t watch any games actually playing now. So yeah, maybe passive fan would be a better description. Nevertheless, I know enough baseball to have scathing opinions about things that don’t affect me. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

NL DH

We’ll start this post with some good: the rumors of the eventual implementation of the designated hitter (DH) in the National League. Some people will bemoan this as the continued fall of a once-proud game and further additions of half-players (hitters that can’t field and pitchers who can’t hit). But pitchers never really could hit (there are always exceptions, but not enough). No manager wants a poor hitter in their lineup, and no fan truly wants to see a pitcher try to hit the ball (which is why Frank Thomas is my pitcher in Backyard Baseball).

Don't question it.

The point is that I like the DH rule, and having it in both leagues will be fine by me, plus it will alleviate a new headache, which brings me to my next point…

Astros in the AL and Constant Interleague Play

It’s been known for a while that when the new Astros owner, Jim Crane, bought the team, he was going to have to move the club to the American League. On the surface, it makes sense: there are 16 teams in the NL, and 14 teams in the AL. One team moves to the AL, and now we’re even at 15 all. But should it be the Astros? No, I disagree, and it isn’t just because I’m in Texas. The major point is moving a terrible franchise (Major League-worst 106 losses in 2011) from the 6-team NL Central to the 4-team AL West. But the AL is where the other Texas team (the Texas Rangers) is: what’s the point of putting them together? The other two-team cities have their teams in separate leagues: that’s how it’s always been (New York didn’t count pre-1957 because there were 3 teams, and California post-1957 doesn’t count because they have roughly 2,000 teams). And besides, the Milwaukee Brewers were previously moved from the AL to the NL: why not just move them back? Oh yeah, because Bud Selig owned the team and he’s commissioner now, so he’s going to make sure his precious team doesn’t get jostled around. What a joke. This now reminds me of the second part of this segment: constant interleague play.

CONSTANT INTERLEAGUE PLAY!

When the Astros move to the AL in 2013, there will be yearly interleague play (NL’ers vs. AL’ers). That’s fine in short bursts, but why the whole season? That’s lame. The true test of who’s better is in the world series, not these poser games. And that’s the reason for the NL DH, to avoid having to constantly go from having a DH in AL parks to having no DH in NL parks. Acronyms acronyms acronyms.

Colt .45 Jerseys

Looks like we’re back to the ‘Stros. In their final year in the NL, the Astros want to wear their old jerseys for a few games. When the Astros were first admitted into the league, they were known as the Houston Colt .45s (in 1962). After the 1964 season, they became the Astros. So the commissioner will allow these throwback jerseys, but with one condition: no Colt .45 logo on the Colt .45 jersey.

In a world where censorship nazis take away our freedom... what, that already happened? Darnit.

I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my time (I went to high school, so I know stupid things when I see them), and this just proves my point that censorship and political correctness has gone way too far. They were called the Colt .45s: what’s the point of a jersey without the logo of the team? I’d understand if it used to be something racist or bigoted, like the Tampa Bay Slave Lynchers (the #1 seed team on Stormfront.org), but it’s just a gun, people. Can nobody be trusted enough to watch a couple ballgames with a gun on the uniform? There are much worse uniforms than that.

The terrorists may have won this battle.

You PC-toting censor nazis really need to find something else to do with your time, because you’re wasting mine.

Instant Replay

I’ve talked about instant replay so much (to myself) that I get tired of it, so some quick points. Instant replay will not slow down the game (advertisements have already done that). Instant replay will make sure boneheaded mistakes (see: Denkinger, Joyce) are corrected. Instant replay will prove the good calls of reputable umpires and will hopefully overturn the sickening displays of such arrogant pricks like Joe West. We get it, you’re a jerk. You get paid less than some players do to sit on the bench and do nothing, so quit the acting and get back to umpiring.

Extra Playoff Teams

Our final talking point will be the new playoff teams. This year, two more teams will be added to the playoffs (making a grand total of ten). There will be a one game elimination, and then… I actually have no idea. Regular playoffs, I guess. But why? Why would they do this?

Oh yeah, that.

There are already eight teams vying for the chance to reach the world series (who actually reached the playoffs), we don’t need any more. It’s a small slope to getting to the exorbitant amount of teams the NFL and NBA allow. Baseball, you’re better than that. Why not just let every team in the playoffs? Except for the Mariners of course. Not even baseball is that stupid.

So what have we learned? Baseball is being ruined by a bunch of greedy pigs. So in conclusion…

Run this man out of town on a rail.

When I Say Shotgun, You Say Wedding

In the news this week, a 41-year-old teacher is dating his 18-year-old student. This is just… no. Bad teacher. This is almost as bad as Na’Onka (from Survivor). This is barely a part of the blog, but I wanted it to have a barely-tangible part of the title.

Now on to what we’re really talking about: the Wii U. Yes, the Wii U is probably coming out around the time the world ends (December), so we’re all wondering what games will release with it. And by we, I mean Chase and I (or maybe just me). So there are some franchises that haven’t had much love in recent years, and it’s time to bring it back.

Star Fox

Fox McCloud: he was so boss, that people didn’t even care he was a god-danged furry. He shot people with lasers: that’s all I ask of my protagonists.

Why don't you shoot lasers, stupid dog?

The last time Fox was in a new release was Star Fox: Command back in 2006 for the DS (Star Fox 64 3D is a re-release of a re-release and does not count) and hasn’t really been any good since Star Fox Assault for the Gamecube. But back in the day, there was an idea for a new Fox game: Star Fox 2. The idea is old hat, but it doesn’t matter. Going back to this game and giving it a go would be a good way to bring in the Wii U AND bring back good ol’ Fox McCloud back in the game. Just look at those graphics!

Better than most Wii graphics.

This would bring a great return to one of Nintendo’s most venerable franchises: great action, great shooting, great story.

Great character development.

Timesplitters

This is not a Nintendo franchise, but it does not matter! This was my favorite FPS I ever played ever (until TF2). The shooter genre is pretty same-y, but the trio of games (specifically Future Perfect) stood out with its hilarious dialogue and the ability to shoot allies.

"I never liked you, Cortez!"

There was talk of a Timesplitters 4, but nothing has come out yet. Where you at, TS4? It’s time to split, now more than ever!

Ice Climbers

What’s that you say? Ice Climbers aren’t hardcore? They only had one game that was bettered by the same gameplay a year later with Kid Icarus? You don’t know hardcore, 5 people who are reading my blog. Nana and Popo put Master Chief and Nathan Drake to shame erryday. They hear your pleas of saving the polar bears, and they screw you and beat them to death!

I can't hear your animal rights laws over my freaking hammer!

Alright, that’s all. Well, the MLB expanded the playoffs so there are 10 teams instead of 8. This is stupid, and you are a terrible commissioner, Bud Selig. You are diluting the playoffs with lesser teams… and would you add instant replay already?! When is this guy gonna quit already? Probably gonna make an all-baseball blog post sometime. See you later, blog reader(s)! Let’s make fun of John and Ben, since I know they aren’t reading this.

And just so you know, here’s the song that my blog post is titled after (it’s gonna be a recurring trend):

Who Needs Quality Testers? Part 2: The Numbering

Last time: games sucked. This time: games suck. Except this time, there will be two games of true horror, with another random game for posterity. No time for chitchat: let’s do this thing!

Lux-Pain

Lux-Pain is a graphic novel game for the DS, so right away you should be wary: graphic novels aren’t really games as much as they’re books. But this one had a very depressing narrative, and it looked all cool – and stuff. But once I started the game, something was fishy, but what was it…

What could it be...

Oh right, it was how the “boss” “battles” were little growths popping up on the bottom of the screen and you had to tap them repeatedly with the stylus to “defeat” them. Oh, and the translation was awful too. Guess I forgot about that.

Oh come on, the game isn't THAT bad

 Superman 64

Wait, what? Why would I have this façade of a game? That blame is square on my brother, C.J, who bought it because he’d been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.

My reaction while playing this game

This game is indeed as terrible as they say. The controls were non-sensical and the first part of the game made you fly through rings, and after each completed mission, you fly through rings, and when you save a car by throwing it through the air, rings!

Average Sonic the Hedgehog game

No more of this: this game is horrific. What could possibly be next?

E.T. (Atari 2600) 

Oh lord. Who has cursed this game upon us now? Who dares bring this game to my lair?

Link: The Faces of Evil

Yes, that dastardly C.J. brought this game to my lair. He asked for, and received, an Atari 7800 for Christmahanukkah, and purchased E.T. from a vintage game store (Game Over) for $1.99. Once the game was turned on, everything was terrible forever.

What is this I don't even

The premise of the game is to… ok, I don’t know that. But as you can see by the visual representation, that light green thing is E.T., that rainbow-colored thing is a person, and those dark green holes are… well, holes. They look like trees, but you will fall into them, every day. The little green dot is a… well, you collect them. I think it’s a reeses pieces. Then Dick Tracy and a black person start humping the air and coming to arrest you, cart you off to jail, and steal your dark green dots. But then you walk out of the jail without any difficulty or consequences, which must mean you’re a white businessman.

Say what?!

Apparently, there is a way to defeat this game (says Josh, and totally not John), but I don’t believe this. There is no end to this travesty: you have a step counter, and when you run out, you die. But then a lil’ boy comes (COMES) and gives you some more steps, and this process never frikken ends. NEVER. FRIKKEN. ENDS.

NUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.

Dead Man Driving

Several days ago, I got Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for the Mac (I’ll just put it on the record that my mom does not approve, so don’t go thinking she does). Let’s just say it’s one of the best games ever. But for this blog post, I’ll talk about the part that takes up most of my time: driving.

This is how each of my driving excursions usually ends.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m a terrible driver in GTA:SA, buuuuut I usually cause more collateral damage to the city in one driving session than the entire Justice League in one episode (and that’s quite a lot). I have run over so many people by complete accident, it’s not even funny (ok, it’s pretty funny). I’m still surprised my homies talk to me after all the times I’ve accidentally run them over or caused the car they were in to blow up.

On the first day I was playing, I had failed a mission after blowing up my car outside of the house I had to go to. So, I was grabbing a new car (the term is “borrowing”) to get back to the hood, and 30 seconds later, I had blown up that car too. Alright, no problem, I’ll just grab another one. A minute later, that one was up in flames. And yet, on every mission they ask me to drive. The fact that they force me to drive on every mission may account for the rising crime rate in inner cities.

Another crime that could've been prevented if I had taken driving lessons

I should also mention my great shortcut to getting back to the hood: driving through the guardrail and falling off the bridge into the hood. Don’t see that on the map, now do you? But really, there’s one more topic to speak about: the police are bustas. I went out to try and specifically NOT kill policemen, but that’s a hard task to accomplish when they literally jump against your car. They jumped AGAINST my car, not away from it, towards it. And then they blew it up. Bustas!

You heard me, busta!

In conclusion, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is one of the best games ever made ever, and I should NOT be virtually driving (however, I drive well in real life, because I don’t drive at max speed, then turn and hope I stay on the road).

Today’s link is the song I got my title from: Dead Man Walking by Bloodsimple:

Dedicated to The Original Kid

Today’s blog post is dedicated to former Major League Baseball catcher Gary Carter, who died of brain cancer yesterday. One of the great catchers of all time, it’s a shame he had to go.

That’s all I got. I’ll get a good blog post in next time, full of excitement and my inability to drive virtual cars.

Rolling in the Derp

Well folks, it’s finally here. That blog you oh-so did not want me to do (I can read it in your virtual eyes). I will keep blogging if you do not meet my demans- too late! Welcome to Save the Daylight!

No, not all of Dallas!

The first question was: “Why are you doing this?” The reason I’m doing this is because I have many opinions on many things, and using Facebook to shove them down your throat isn’t working well enough.

The second question was: “Why do you torture us with more of your words?” You are all masochistic and my words are that pleasurable pain you have no choice but to endure. I’ll take this time to mention that do not cut your wrists. That ain’t cool.

The final question was: “What is you?” I am not know.

This blog will include offensive content, so whenever a passage comes up of questionable tastes, I will put [Offensive] to signal it exists, and [/Offensive] to signal its end. That means you don’t have to read it, mom.

As long as I’m not lazy, there will be more blog posts in the future, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading them, only two people who are going to read this blog. But that doesn’t matter, because I turned 20 this month, so I’m a maaaaaaaan.

The final note of today is that the Grammys are a poor showcasing of musical talent (besides the Foo Fighters). I don’t have much of an opinion on Adele winning best everything, but I like this version of “Rolling in the Deep” better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHtwZ07N1ic&ob=av2e