Pokémon is geared towards innocent kids, who just want to capture sentient creatures and force them to fight each other in a battle to the death faint. This is not for your eyes, kids. As we get older, some of us must shoulder the burden of having our entertainment ruined forever by looking past the veil into how nonsensical it all is. So that’s what this is: a talk about how Pokémon came to be. So first, we must go to the beginning.

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And God said, “Let there be light,” and Game Freak said, “No, we’re making fairies.” And it was bad.

Ever since the original Pokémon games, it’s been common knowledge that all Pokémon have the DNA of Mew. After Sinnoh though, Arceus came into the picture. The G-O-D of everything. So, which is it? The fact that Mew was created game-wise before Arceus is irrelevant because of fossils (since they obviously existed long before the games begin), so for this discussion, I’m not going to be talking about Mew for awhile. This is because, if Mew is the progenitor of all Pokémon, what was it procreating with to create all these Pokémon? Mew has no gender, and unless the next games start circulating pictures of Mew with its legendary penis in a pint of ice cream, I think we’ll all be fine ignoring that history of the world. So, instead we’ll talk about two prevailing theories that I may have just made up: Arceus created all the Pokémon or humans created all the Pokémon. Of course, it could be a mix, which I’ll throw in as an aside later. Let’s start with the first one.

Arceus: The Original G-O-D

Known as the Alpha type, its Pokédex entries from Diamond and Pearl are, in order, “It is described in mythology as the Pokémon that shaped the universe with its 1,000 arms,” and “It is told in mythology that this Pokémon was born before the universe even existed.” Well, not only does that sound like a god, that sounds like the God. If it created the universe, odds are it created the things upon Earth, such as Pokémon and perhaps even people. Creating the universe also gives credence to the myth that Clefairy come from the Moon, since Arceus could have deemed it so if it had wanted to. It has godly powers, like the ability to change into any type via the plates, plus the Arceus-only move Judgement, which is pretty godly when you think about it. They say God made us in his image (which was a mistranslation, but move on, move on), so it stands to reason that perhaps Arceus did the same. It created various types of Pokémon, and since Arceus itself has powers, it bestowed all of these onto its creations. However, some things don’t add up, and that’s where the second theory comes in.

Humans: The Illuminati’s Paintbrush

If Arceus created all of the Pokémon, even accounting for evolution and mutations (like Carbink and Diancie), why are there creatures that look suspiciously like manmade objects? Why is there an ice cream Pokémon? Why is there a trash Pokémon? No, seriously, why?

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Why?

With this theory, humans created Pokémon as a way to give people something to strive for in a dead-end world, plus it brings in tons of dat cash. This is the theory that I would subscribe to. It makes the most sense… which, I mean, it doesn’t, but don’t pretend like your idea makes sense. There are Pokémon research labs everywhere, and with the Ditto theory (that Dittos are failed Mew clones), it seems likely that humans found ways to create all of the Pokémon, so perhaps Mew’s DNA really is within all Pokémon. Well, I guess we aren’t really done talking about Mew. Whoops. I’ll get to that later. Also, here’s something that Pokémon creationism could never solve: stone evolutions. How could a stone be so powerful that it completely changes a Pokémon’s molecular structure, causing it to become a different creature while breaking the laws of conservation of mass at the same time? Let’s say Pokémon were created by humans, alright? Wouldn’t it make sense that the molecular structure of these creatures wasn’t entirely stable? Perhaps, even, that it was unstable enough that exposure to a radiating stone would cause a great change within in. That could even have been the intention all along. Nothing makes money quite like fresh, new things, and Eevee is a prime example. There are so many Eevees. Nothing on this Earth (that I know of: I’m no scientist) can do what an Eevee can do. Eevee’s molecular form is so unstable, anything can change it into a different creature: stone exposure, rock exposure, friendship… Okay, nothing will ever explain the power of friendship.

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Wrong series. Get outta here.

That would also explain Mega Evolution, which makes a stone (plus a ring that you wear around your wrist because Japan doesn’t wear a lot of rings) transform a Pokémon temporarily into a much stronger beast, AKA steroids. There are just so many different Pokémon that do tremendous things and can be transformed easily with items. It would also explain the overarching Illuminati factor (that I love to push). The Illuminati created Pokémon in order to make lots and lots of money, and they made up the legends of legendary Pokémon in order to keep PETA-like groups off their backs. They control all of the Pokémarts and centers and, with their works on Ditto, it’s obviously they’re well-versed in clone technology, so it would explain why every Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny are the exact same thing over many continents. It could also explain why even the foremost researchers like Bill don’t know that there are many, many, many… many more Pokémon than are carved on his door. (EDIT: It would also also explain how HMs and TMs work, because you try putting a CD into an animal. It’s either a complete rewiring of their DNA, or all Pokémon are secretly made by EA and they just have day one DLC you have to pay for.) (EDIT 2: So yes, I know you don’t put the CD in the Pokémon, you put it on top of them… so that does? My friend suggested the CD is laced with protein strands, and that’s as good as anything.) There is one more thing for the Arceus theory, though…

Type Retcons

At certain times, Pokémon have changed types as they go from game to game. This is to make more sense out of a Pokémon when a new type comes in (Magnemite: Steel; Jigglypuff: Fairy), but what if it was something more? What if it was evolution? Not Pokémon evolution, but evolution… evolution. There were Pokémon, like Gardevoir and Jigglypuff, which had weaknesses to certain types (Dark and Fighting, respectively), so future generations gained an evolutionary trait to combat this weakness (Fairy).

In Conclusion

For my money, I like to think that it’s a combination of all three, in a way. In the beginning, Arceus created the world. It created the regions, it created the legendaries, and it created a bunch of Pokémon. Later, humans began to experiment on Pokémon using Mew DNA (there it is again) creating more than just Ditto, but a bunch of different Pokémon, including literally trash. They created items to capture Pokémon, to heal Pokémon, to power them up. They grew berries and other herbal remedies in a very hippy way. The Illuminati still controls the Pokémon creation and the cloning processes (because I don’t believe in any gaming reality without them), but legendaries do exist and keep balance. That’s why they can’t procreate: there can only be one to keep balance. And no, nothing will explain how Onix and Weedle can breed. Josh why. So, yes, this is way too deep for a game from the 1990s where I’m sure they never thought one second about any of this. It’s food for thought though, and I guess the only question we have left is

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Why?

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