Tag Archive: red steel


Well, I think you know the deal by now. This time, instead of talking about the games I enjoyed playing, this section will be about the games that made me consider ritual suicide. No, we’re not talking about Mario Party.

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Yet

No, this is about games that I’ve played that were just really, really bad. Now, before you proceed, I will warn you: there will be spoilers concerning these games (though I’m not sure why you would ever want to play these games). There are terrible games that I’ve never played before, therefore they can’t be included. There may be games here that you enjoy (two of these games got high rankings on Metacritic, for example). These are just opinions, so take them as such. Seriously though, they suck. [One final note: almost all of these games are on Nintendo consoles solely because I only played Nintendo consoles. If I had played lots of Xbox or Playstation games, I’m sure there would be some terrible games of those on this list.]

#10: Red Steel (Wii)

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Red Steel was one of the launch titles for the Nintendo Wii, developed by Ubisoft. Ubisoft had been known for good games at the time, and continue to develop good games now, so there wasn’t much reason to doubt that they could harness the capabilities of the new Wiimote. The game ran into a problem, though: it tried doing that. The game itself was pretty boring: you’re an American in California marrying an Asian woman when a bunch of other Asians start shooting at you, insulting you as you shoot them all with your guns. You know, fun.

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Wait, that isn’t a gun…

Something happens on your way to victory, though: you learn the ways of the katana. Now, if you’d played Killing Floor, you’d know that the katana is a great weapon, mostly for stunlocking Scrakes. Alas, there are no Scrakes here. Instead, you’re forced against your will into swordfights where you attempt to harness the power of terrible Wiimote controls. Spoiler alert: you don’t win this fight. The controls are particularly bad here, meaning there isn’t much else to do than to swing the Wiimote violently until your opponent dies. I only bought this game because it came with No More Heroes, so it wasn’t a complete loss. There was a sequel made, but that one wasn’t very good either. Bad move, Ubisoft.

#9: 1080 Snowboarding (N64)

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And here’s one of those games. According to a web archive of Metacritic, this game got an 88 out of 100 (on the current site it has a more sensible 70/100). Why was this game good? I can’t say for certain. All I can say about this game is that you take damage while snowboarding, and if you take enough damage, you lose. It’s not a lot of fun when you’re racing with your friend and you lose because you fell too many times, especially considering the game seems to urge your boarder into falling over every time you try to do a trick. There are much better games out there than this one.

#8: Manhunt 2 (Wii)

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As the previous games have proved, even the best companies have some not-so-great titles. This gory game comes straight from Rockstar, a company familiar with controversy. A particular controversy arose when it appeared on the Wii, when concerned parents feared that kids could practice strangling people with the Wiimote and nunchuck. If any of those parents can replicate a strangling with those controls, I will give them a hundred bucks. The controls are awful, with troubles arising not only from attempting to kill people, but from even such trivial things as standing up. There was a moment in the game where a couple of thugs knocked me down, and it was nigh-on impossible to get back up. Needless to say I died. On top of that, there was one more tiny problem.

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Actual game footage.

See, Manhunt 2, like some horror games I’ve played, says that the best way to play the game is to have it on the lowest brightness setting. Having never encountered this before, I complied and turned it down to as dark as it could go. I continued to play the game like this until I entered a house to evade the police. I spent anywhere from thirty to sixty minutes exploring that house with no idea of what I was doing. At that point, I had no choice: I had to up the brightness setting. And what did I find? I had been running around in a circle the whole time, unable to see where I was going. Great idea, game. Turns out turning on the lights doesn’t make the game any more fun.

#7: Lux-Pain (DS)

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This game is so unfortunate, as it could have been so much more. Being a visual-novel game, there wasn’t much in the way of gameplay, but the story itself had a really great, depressing premise. The main character had to destroy things known as the Silent, which latched onto people and created depressing and even suicidal thoughts. I enjoyed that part… and nothing else. For a game that was basically a book, they seemed to have spent no time actually translating it.

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What’s wrong here? I’ll have to thing about it.

When your product basically does one thing, you’d think that you’d try hard on that one thing. Turns out this may not be the case, as these kinds of errors pop up everywhere, in every instance. Add on the fact that the “gameplay” involves tapping on circular things to defeat “bosses”, and you’ve got a game with a good premise, but an extremely disappointing product. This would’ve been better off as an anime.

#6: Resident Evil 2 (N64)

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Here’s the big one. If there was ever a game I put here that I felt people would start screaming at me for, it would be this one. Resident Evil 2: the game with an 89/100 on Metacritic. A game people loved then and now. A game that showcased the awesomeness of horror games, and is much better than the horror-less action games that started with Resident Evil 4. Okay, I’m not actually sure anyone really thinks this. Let’s start from the top.

My brother was the one who bought RE2, since we heard that it was such a good game. It wasn’t long, however, before my brother was telling me how he couldn’t even get out of the first screen. Well that’s odd, I thought as I went to the game room and took the controller. The very first thing I did upon playing the game was walk straight into fire. Capcom, in all their infinite wisdom, flipped the controls. I was finally able to walk into the next screen, where they were generous enough to change the camera angle. In a move that may have been unprecedentedly stupid, the camera, which isn’t controllable, is differently angled every time you step out of a frame. The worst ones included a top-down view and one that was on the ground, obscuring your view as zombies came at you from that same angle. There are even screens that, once you run into that part of the game, flip the controls so you run right back where you came from. The controls, particularly the ones controlling the aiming of the gun, were awful, meaning it was more advantageous to run away rather than attempt to get your gun around to shooting something. Plus, this game commits a cardinal sin, a sin that no game should ever repeat.

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Where is his beautiful blonde hair?!

In all their infinite wisdom, the developers decided what gamers really wanted was a limited number of saves. So now you only have a limited number of opportunities to save your game, meaning that you potentially will have to go long stretches of the game without a save opportunity. Even worse, the way you save is by putting typewriter tape into the aforementioned typewriter, so you must traverse past hordes of zombies to find a typewriter, then you must pull out a huge roll of tape that takes up precious inventory space just to save your game. With the exception of games without save functions, this is without a doubt the worst possible save structure in video game history. It seems like Capcom is punishing you for not being able to play their entire game without dying in one go. The entire game was just a big misstep on the way to the Resident Evil franchise’s best entry, Resident Evil 4.

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As you were.

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Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.