Previously on MBTVGIEPP2: unnecessary sword fighting. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

#5: Penumbra: Requiem (Steam)

Penumbra_Requiem

Technically this is cheating, since this is an expansion and not a full game. I didn’t even want to put this in the list at first since, after playing it, calling it a game would be a misnomer of the highest caliber. In the end though, I did add it, and we all suffer for it. This is the first – and final – expansion on the Penumbra series by Frictional Games. While I only played the second one (Penumbra: Black Plague), I thought it was acceptable and good segue into the superior Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Then there was this…

Gameplay

Gameplay

Penumbra: Requiem takes place immediately after the events of Black Plague where, spoilers obviously, you get smacked in the back of the head by a Tuurngait and pass out. When you come to, you wake up in the ultimate nightmare: this game. Through the three hours it takes to get through this… thing, you play a horror game exactly the way it was intended: by solving puzzles and having no enemies anywhere ever. Calling it horror in any sense is rather silly, though having to pay for the game must have been terrifying. After slogging through all of the puzzles, I finally came to some kind of machinery that was talking to me. Turns out it was the voice of Red, a guy who you kill in the first game. He wants you to join him, and while I was ignoring him, I pushed a button. That button, as it turns out, was to open the machinery, which was a furnace… which I walked inside and burned to death, ending the game.

What a twist.

What a twist.

I sat there staring at the screen for a good minute, unable to comprehend that they had just ended the game by having me walk into a furnace and dying. Yes, as it came to pass, by walking into the furnace, you died at the end of the second game, making this entire playthrough worthless. At this point, I decided that no, that wasn’t an acceptable ending, and I went back into the game to force it to give me a different ending. Well, there was a door behind me, so hey, why not? I walked through it. I was back on the ship I had been on during Black Plague, but there was no way out. Eventually the screen went white, ending the game… Really? Again?

After reading up on what had happened, I found out that this was an alternative ending where the ship was the very ship you sailed to Greenland in from the first game, which means that, by entering that door, my character decided to just turn around and go home, making the entire SERIES not happen. Two endings in one game, and they both were horrendous. Not even KOTOR 2 had an ending quite as bad as this. Burn, baby, burn.

#4: Obscure: The Aftermath (Wii)

Obscure- The Aftermath

You’ve heard about this one, huh? It feels like I’ve talked so much about it, just because it was bad in nearly every way. The whole game centers around a bunch of college students, although with their talks of a “Leafmore High,” it’s a tad confusing. A strange flower drug infects a bunch of people and everyone becomes zombie things. Let’s talk about the highlights: in co-op mode, you can bash your friends with melee weapons while they bleed and their characters say such touching phrases like, “Ugh, you’re such a boy!” Riveting. Well, we’re done with that. Let’s get to all the negatives.

Oh look, it's definitely not Leatherface.

Oh look, it’s definitely not Leatherface.

I know I’ve harped about this game before, but it deserves every criticism it gets. The camera is your worst enemy, constantly spinning around to face you when enemies approach. The combat’s alright, but severely hampered by the camera and weak weapons. On top of that, you have to hear every character you play moan and complain about every little thing. The dialogue would even make Barry from Resident Evil cringe. On the back of the box, it says “Six charismatic characters.” There has never been a bigger lie in the history of entertainment. EA couldn’t come up with a better lie. Every single person you meet and/or play as are selfish, shallow, dense, and bring nothing but misery to every conversation they participate in. And guess what? With the exception of the goth chick and the weird dude who both appeared in the first game, everyone dies. They were so charismatic that they all died. I may be one of those people who hates when games kill off the people you play as, but it was really a blessing in disguise here. If the monsters weren’t going to kill these guys, I would’ve had to.

Seen here heading to a dorm room to smoke weed, proving how indispensable they are to the world.

Seen here heading to a dorm room to smoke weed, proving how indispensable they are to the world.

Oh, and yes, there is a part where one of the characters is knocked unconscious by a crazy guy with a bag over his head and wielding a chainsaw, where he’s eventually killed by said crazy guy. I applaud the originality on display here. If this is number four, the bottom three will give you cancer.

#3: Superman 64 (N64)

Superman64box

I’m sorry, it’s terminal.

What is there that hasn’t been said about Superman 64? It makes everything that ever lived bad, whether that’s video games, or movie video games, or superheroes, or the civil rights movement. The graphics are ugly, even for the N64, the controls are unintuitive and basically broken, and the story is as bare-bones as it can be (at the very least, you could say it’s better than Penumbra: Requiem). You spend the first part of the game flying through rings, and when you fail the missions they threw in – yes, you will fail – you get to start all over. Aren’t you having fun yet?

Lex Luthor's most deadly maze.

Lex Luthor’s most deadly maze.

The combat is sticky and awful, meaning you’ll spend most of your time punching air. To save automobile drivers, you have to pick them up and, once they’re out of harm’s way, toss them across the map like you might toss this game. If you sit there thinking about how bad your life has become long enough, the demo starts playing, in which even the developers couldn’t play their own game. Superman misses a bunch of rings, skims the ocean, and then just floats under a bridge like he’s contemplating suicide. If the people who made the game can’t play it, there are some underlying problems that may need attention. Oh, and guess what? There’s actually a game after Sonic and the Lost Rings. You fly around bumping into walls, watching enemies phase through walls, get stuck in a room with no escape, and end up exploding because there doesn’t seem to be any way to defuse the bombs. I think Lex Luthor’s plan wasn’t to blow up Metropolis after all: I think his plan was to make a game so bad that Superman’s reputation would never recover. You’re a freaking genius, Luthor.

If a career criminal could get elected president, I truly believe anything is possible.

If a career criminal could get elected president, I truly believe anything is possible.

#2: Tony Hawk Ride (Wii)

Tony_Hawk_Ride_cover

It’s really hard to justify many things being worse than the infamous Superman 64, but I’ll try. I’ll give this to Supes: the game, no matter how horrible it is, is playable. It’s playable by the loosest definition alive, but it’s playable. The same can’t be said of Tony Hawk Ride, the game which decided to use a skateboard peripheral. It sure sounded exciting at the time, but the stupid thing just doesn’t work, at all. I should’ve known something was wrong when it took forever just to calibrate the board. Once inside the game, you have two modes: have the game play itself, or crash into the wall and fail. It’s your choice, really.

This is one of the various things you can't do in the game.

This is one of the various things you can’t do in the game.

No matter how long we played it, or who was playing it, the board just would not function, and there was no alternative. You killed skateboarding, Buzz Monkey. I hope you’re happy. I bet you’re not.

#1: E.T. (Atari 2600)

Etvideogamecover

I think, deep inside, you knew this was coming. The pinnacle of terrible games, the Cleveland Spiders of our time, it’s E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. We’re all so ashamed. You thought there was plot? Hah, you’re a funny guy, guy. Well, here’s the plot: collect dots before Dick Tracy takes you to jail. See, this is what happens when you give one guy less than two months to make a game.

I want to die.

I want to die.

Those dots are Reeses Pieces, though you’d have to be god to known this. If the game wasn’t annoying enough, there are holes everywhere that you just fall into. Pick yourself back up, and you fall right back in. There are no redeeming factors to this game. It is a morbid curiosity that should’ve stayed buried. We’re all dead now. The cancer, remember?

Now, wasn’t that fun? But on a serious note, all of these games suck. Don’t attempt to play them, or you will die from the disappointment, and the cancer. Not all of the bad games I played could make this list, but I’m going to give them dishonorable mention here, lest they be forgotten: The Bigs (Wii), DDR: Hottest Party (Wii), Hide (Mac), Lone Survivor (Steam), Minority Report (Gamecube), Shark Tale (Gamecube), Star Fox Aventures (Gamecube), Towns (Steam – I’ll kill you, Josh)

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