So I’ve been a fan of Jon Bois for a couple months now. His Breaking Madden and NBA Y2K series are some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read, which I’ll link to right here.

Breaking Madden:

Anyway, I was thinking about it today and I had an idea. Not the same idea, mind you, but something in the same vein: taking a sports game where it was never meant to be taken. But games like NBA 2K13 and the Madden franchise are too sophisticated for me, so I had to go simpler. I had to go back. Back to when men were men and the best hitter on the planet was a tiny little Mexican guy. Yes, we’re playing Backyard Baseball 2003. And by we, I mean me. You aren’t playing it.

The sport of champions.

The sport of champions.

So what will this entail? Well, I won’t be breaking the game like Mr. Bois. It’s too impenetrable. No, instead I’ll be breaking records. In a fourteen game season, I will try to break as many real life single-season records as I possibly can. How will I do this? Two simple ways:

1) Pick the best players.
2) Play it on easy.

There aren’t many games easier on easy mode than the Backyard Sports franchise. I have won games by scores of 189-0 and 185-5 (the first game crashed under how awesome it was). I will be basically beating up on the crippled kids until a point where no normal person would have any fun playing it. No person except for me. I love curbstomping lesser beings into the dust, way past the point of it being exciting. I surely will not tire of winning games made for eight-year-olds.

Of course, I know some real life records are not breakable in-game just based on a fourteen game season. I can’t win 59 games. I can’t strike out 513 batters. I can’t be walked 232 times (the coms just can’t throw that many balls out of the strike zone). Still, I will attempt to break as many records as I possibly can, just to see if it can be done. I’m clearly the right man for the job: I’m nearly three times as qualified as the recommend aged player. Soon, I will begin this epic quest. Bud Selig’s got nothing on this league.