Archive for October, 2012


I returned to Dark Cave to conquer it… that’s the end of that sentence. I burned through the Zubats and drowned all the Geodudes, but I did end up catching a Dunsparce (Jon). All of this led me to a giant rock blocking my path. Strength? You’ve gotta be kidding me. It’s like they don’t want me to get by this cave. Well forget you, cave! I think Mt. Moon is much better. I planned to just head back towards Violet City, but then that egg started hatching! I put the egg in my hands and watched in awe as the creature inside broke free. It was a… Togepi? Oh, well this is lame. Now Professor Elm has been stalking me and wants to see the new Togepi. Alright fine, let’s go back to New Bark.

I traversed back to New Bark and showed Elm the new Pokémon. Unfortunately he doesn’t want to keep him, so I’m stuck with him. Your name is Erenzu: now get in the box. I think Dahlia is happy is to return to the team. I decided to head down Route 32 so I could get to the next gym. More conversations with Joey:

Joey: Durrrrr, I saw a Pokémon!

Me: Well, did you catch it this time?

Joey: … No, it got away.

Me: You’re the worst trainer ever.

Joey: What about Dawn?

Me: … Second worst trainer ever.

We all knew that Dahlia’s time with the team would be short: bug Pokémon aren’t terrific, let’s just say that. So when I caught a Mareep (Sygnal) down Route 32, it was time to say goodbye to that Spinarak. We’ll remember you always… now get in the box.

Now I reach a tiny Pokémon Center near a cave. When I head in there, this older gentleman calls me over and asks if I want one of his rods. … Johto, I told you about this. I told you no more of the pedo crap, but you keep thrusting older men’s rods on me. Johto, you are the homosex… Eff it, let’s go fishing.

I sit there and fish forever, since fishing is boring as hell. But now something’s on the line. Something’s tugging on that old man’s rod! It’s a Magika-wait, who cares about a Magikarp? I caught it, I shoved it in the box. I was done with it before I even started that battle. Let’s stop fishing. Now I head to the entrance of the Union Cave. Alright cave, I’ve been to Dark Cave, and that sucked. You’d better not screw me over, or there will be hell to pay. I enter the cave, preparing myself for whatever waits inside.

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            As I woke up this morning, I decided to see how Inferno was doing. I let him out of his pokéball, letting him stretch his legs. He was fine; that’s good. I went to the PC and attempted to get my new Gastly out of it, but I couldn’t access it. I asked the nurse what was going on and she told me that all their PCs got viruses, so they had to fix them before Pokémon could be transferred. Great; they really should start using Macs.

Eventually I got Shadow (Gastly) out of the computer to replace Caitlin, so now I was on my way to the gym: I was ready to defeat Falkner! I stormed into the joint and laid waste to his lackeys, sending them to sheer defeat. It was time for the leader. Falkner looked up as I approached and welcomed me into his sanctuary. This gym, like all the other gyms, had a proud history of using one type of Pokémon without any diversification. “Yes, all my Pokémon are weak to the same types. Why do you ask?” This’ll be fun. Falkner sent out his Pidgey, so I countered with Inferno.

His Pidgey attacked Inferno with a series of weak flying moves, but he clearly was outmatched by my fiery destroyer (patent pending), who burned that bird to a crisp with ember. That was an easy first victory for su-oh wait, what’s this? Inferno is glowing! That’s right saan, Inferno evolved into Quilava! That’s what’s up! That was enough for now though: Stallone would take the final battle versus Pidgeotto. This would be an epic battle, right? Rock Throw, dead. Oh, okay, maybe not. Victory is mine!

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Two birds, one stone.

I walk out of the gym, triumphant with my first gym badge, when the professor gives me a call. He got tired of the egg and it’s now my job to take care of it. Oh… what a letdown. I decided to try and hatch the egg when I obtained it from his assistant, so I put Dahlia in the PC for a breather and took the egg. I tried to continue on my way, but a geisha confronts me and tells me to look after the egg. Ok… I planned to, lady. What do you think I’m gonna do, scramble it? Well, at least it’s a woman who’s being creepy to me now instead of a man.

I decided to head back to Elm for reasons I can no longer recall, but I caught some more Pokémon! They included Aeris (Pidgey), Fungo (Sentret), and Chrysalis (Caterpie). Out of three, I decided to put Aeris into the team. Sorry Blathers, maybe another time. So now I’m back in Violet City, and I can head off to Route 36… or not, because there’s a tree blocking the way. The thought of cutting the tree down hasn’t occurred to anyone, so I guess I’m just going down through Route 32.

Now I find myself in some mysterious ruins. I gaze about this site of ruin excavation, and I reason that, as a ten-year-old kid, I shouldn’t be running around here. As it turns out, I was wrong, because I not only can explore the ruins, I can frikken touch them and solve puzzles. Well, so much for look, don’t touch. I decided to try out the puzzle, and what do ya know, I solved it! A Kabuto, huh… wait, why is the floor shaking? Oh Arceus, there’s no more floor aaaaaaaaaaaa!

I fall down into a dark tunnel where an archaeologist greets me, saying I must’ve solved the puzzle. Are you insane? Your puzzle involves sending people falling into a dark tunnel. You have no regards for anyone’s safety. Forget this, I’m out of here. I caught myself an Unown, but I don’t know much about it. At this point, I’m not too interested in exploring it, so I just leave. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

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Specifically, this fish.

So now I return to Violet City. Since that creepy man gave me Flash, I reason I can get farther through Dark Cave without bumping into walls. I decided to rest in the Pokémon Center before heading out, so I checked on how Inferno was doing. He was pretty happy: loving the new evolution. I kicked back and relaxed, getting ready to explore the cave, and this day isn’t even half done.

When I went into the Pokémon center, a TV announcer asked me to describe how I felt about him in two words. “Hate You.” He couldn’t have been more pleased. This place is just… I don’t even. Where am I again? “Violet City.” How colorful. I caught another Bellsprout to trade to a guy named Rudy, who was too lazy to walk about a hundred feet and catch his own Bellsprout. I’m ten years old, dude: don’t make me do your dirty work. What kind of trainer are you? Anyway, he gave me an Onix. I don’t want it. Into the PC box you go. I went out to explore the city, but another creepy older man in a whole region full of creepy older men who find it invigorating to talk to me asked me if I had been to the Pokémon Academy. Why no, I hadn’t. I was still exploring the ci- “Oh, then we’re going to the academy and you have no say in it!” What the f-

Well… that was a waste of time. I’m done exploring the city: it’s time for my first gym battle! My team is ready to figh- what? I can’t go into the gym until I go to Sprout Tower? Does no one want me to challenge this gym or what? Fine, I’ll go Sprout Tower, but under protest.

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Nothing exemplifies a tower dedicated to a plant better than purple roofs.

I stared up at the tall tower that stood before me. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake. Lemon cake. Yeah, that’s the sh- what, another call? Who now? Frikken Joey again? You are seriously going to lose your phone privileges, Joey.

Me: What now, Joey?

Joey: My Rattata is in the top percentage of Rattata!

Me: … That’s pretty sad. *hang up*

I’m starting to hate that guy. Now let’s enter this tower. I see people milling around, all in love with the Bellsprout. Bellsprout isn’t that great, guys. Seriously, it’s really not. So I climbed the ladders up the tower and put the hurt on some monks. Then I saw a Gastly. There are ghosts in here? This tower is haunted? That’s frikken awesome! Why aren’t you all praising the Gastly? Maybe the tower wouldn’t be as pristine if the support beams were vaporous circles. The tower was a bit tough for my team: both Dahlia and Caitlin were defeated in battle, but Inferno easily ripped through the grass-type’s squishy faces. As I reached the top of the tower, I saw a familiar, ugly face. Horvitz!

I was prepared for a battle, but he didn’t seem interested. He mouthed off about elders and nice people before leaving the tower unopposed. He must’ve spent a lot of time in Florida. So now I’m in the battle of my life against the elder and his army of Bellsprout… okay, they all burned to death. That was the battle of my life? My life really sucks. For defeating him and honoring Bellsprout or something, he gives me the TM Flash. Flash? An old man is giving me Flash? Ok, seriously Johto, cut it out. I’m ten frikken years old. I know you’ve got some creepy NAMBLA fetish here, but step off. I will kick the crap out of any old man who gets up in my face.

I went down the tower and made quick work of the ghosts and plants that fought me every step of the way, but I took the time to catch myself a Gastly. I really like the ghost type, so I’m sure I can find a space in my team. Someone will have to be sacrificed though. I’ll decide tomorrow, though. In the meantime, I’m gonna go sleep in the Pokémon Center and get ready for my gym battle with Falkner tomorrow. Inferno and his ragtag group of Pokémon will show him the ways of children controlling dangerous creatures.

… Wait, Horvitz was there? I thought the police would’ve caught him by now. He’s literally walking around in plain sight with a stolen Pokémon!

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Nine officers of the law, seen here being incompetent.

Team:

Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 13

Geodude (Stallone): Lv. 10

Hoothoot (Blathers): Lv. 6

Spinarak (Dahlia): Lv. 5

Bellsprout (Venus): Lv. 4

Rattata (Caitlin): Lv. 3

            Daylight burns my eyes; maybe I should buy curtains. I got up and headed down the stairs. I wanted to say it was adventure time, but I heard online that someone had taken that phrase and turned into an awful show. I gave my mom my final goodbyes, for I wouldn’t see here again until I got Fly. With Inferno walking behind me, I left New Bark Town in the dust, especially since I can frikken run now.

I hadn’t gotten five steps out of town before I saw Lyra waiting for me. “Hey Katgarr!” she called to me. “I’m gonna teach you how to catch Pokémon!” I don’t need any lessons from my spazzy friend. Oh, but she insists. I stood there, dumbfounded, as she and her Marill started jumping up and down in the tall grass like utter morons. “Was that too fast?” Too fast? Are you trying to catch the Pokémon or stomp them to death? Forget this, I can catch my own dang Pokémon. She did give me five pokéballs though, so I guess there’s something to say about that. I’m not going to figure out what that is, however.

As I progressed through Route 29 and Route 40 (I decided to check it out, although I couldn’t even lift my feet over the tiny roadblocks), my team began to flesh itself out. By the time I got myself back to Cherrygrove City my team consisted of Inferno, Blathers (Hoothoot), Caitlin (Rattata), and Stallone (Geodude). I noticed that Stallone didn’t really like to talk to the other Pokémon. He’s probably just shy: we can work on that. Anyway, so I enter the Cherrygrove Pokémon center to heal my team. I reach into my pocket to pay for the treatment, but the nurse at the counter tells me that they heal for free. Free healthcare? Oh those dastardly communists in the government! I knew that President Obamasnow was trying to steal our money to give free healthcare to the poor. Darn you, Obamasnow!

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Who does he think he is, increasing taxes on the uber tier?

Enough about the politics. With my team in tow, I head up Route 30 to administer the beatdown on Pokémon and trainers alike. I fought some kid named Joey and laid a monster smackdown on his Rattata. “Oh, I’m out of Pokémon that can fight.” Really now? It looks like your master plan of having one Pokémon is backfiring. My condolences… loser. I added Dahlia (Spinarak) to my team and headed up to Route 31. As I walked onto the grassy plains of the new route, a call came through on my pokégear. Was it my mom calling to say she missed me? Oh no, it’s Joey, five minutes after I give him my number.

Me: What do you want Joey?

Joey: I tried to catch a Spinarak but it got away. I thought of going after it, but I decided not to.

Me: Congratulations Joey. *hang up*

What a loser. As I whip a couple more loser trainers, Lyra runs up behind me and gasps, unable to believe I’m ahead of her. I’m just a better trainer than you, Lyra- Oh, she ran off again. Continuing on, I added the sixth and final member to my team: Venus (Bellsprout). I don’t know about this one: she’s a bit of a harlot.

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Oh god, the horror of a barely-related picture.

[Next time: Sprout Tower!]

After finishing conversing with my mom, I head out to Route 29 to get to Mr. Pokémon’s house. As I’m picking my way through the tall grass, the thought crosses my mind that no one told me how to find this man’s house. Just as I’m about to reach Cherrygrove City, a wild Hoothoot jumps out of the tall grass to face me. This is the perfect chance to test out my battling skills! I send out Inferno and a tense battle ensues. By tense, I mean that the Hoothoot stared at Inferno for a while while he tackled the wild Pokémon into oblivion. Score one for the good guys.

Soon the lights of Cherrygrove City appear before me. Shambling towards the entrance, I’m suddenly accosted by some old man. He rushes towards me and forces me to follow him around the city, showing me buildings I was already aware of. I sigh and follow him, growing bored of this old man’s shenanigans. At the end of the tour, he gives me shoes. Thanks… I think? Oh wait, now I can run! This doesn’t make any sense!

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Shoes: without them, you cannot run. Really, try it. Move your legs as fast as you want; you cannot do it.

I continued to adventure north through Route 30, battling a gaggle of Rattata, Hoothoots and Spinaraks along the way. Eventually I reached a house at the bottom of a cliff. This house, without me checking for any indication, is certainly Mr. Pokémon’s house. I let myself in, and it is. I’m good. I speak with more old men, this time Mr. Pokémon and Professor Oak. Mr. Pokémon gives me an egg to take back to Elm. Huh, Elm warned me that this guy enjoyed eggs. I’m surprised I didn’t get a side of hash browns with it. I just take the egg and go back outside when I get a call from Professor Elm. Yes, I have a phone too. I’m ten years old, in case you forgot. Anyway, now Elm’s crying to me about a “disaster,” and that I need to get back quickly. Oh, what’s he done now? I give Inferno an exasperated glance; he just shrugs, and so we battle our way back to home, or at least we try to. As we leave Cherrygrove, that stalker boy from the window appears before me. He gives me a furtive, suspicious glare, and I get definite feelings of mistrust. This conversation happens:

Me: Hey, I remember you. What are you doing here?

Passerby Boy: (notices Inferno) That’s a Pokémon that’s too good for a wimp like you.

Me: Oh, now you’ve done it. I’ve been waiting all night to fight you.

Passerby Boy: With our Pokémon, right?

Me: Uh… yeah, that’s what I meant…

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Seen here: the Pokémon battle I wanted to have with him.

Let the battle commence! Inferno leaps into battle as the boy sends out his Totodile. I remember that Pokémon from the lab and that “disaster” Elm spoke of. I accuse him of stealing the Pokémon. Yeah, of course he did. What a jerk. Why would that Totodile follow him if he stole it? The Totodile stares dumbly at me. Oh, that’s why.

His Pokémon has the type advantage… you know, that’d mean more if they knew more moves than Tackle or Scratch. The two starters clash in front of us, my Cyndaquil knocking his Totodile back, who scratches down Cyndaquil’s side in response. Back and forth they go, but unluckily for my foe, my Pokémon has been training. My power is just too much for him and Cyndaquil is able to dispatch Totodile. Victory is mine! Take that, you dirty thief!

Passerby Boy: Are you happy you won?

Me: Uh, yeah, duh. What kind of stupid question is that?

Passerby Boy: I’m going to be the world’s greatest Pokémon trainer.

Me: Yeah, by stealing Pokémon? Good luck with that.

He bumps into me and walks away, not particularly gracious in defeat. As he leaves, I notice he dropped something. Picking it up, it turned out that he dropped his ID card. I’m only able to see his name before he comes back and takes it away from me. “Oh no, you saw my name.” Yeah, you better walk away now! Just wait until I report you to the police! I’m sure they’ll go and arrest you and not let you wander around challenging me to battles for all eternity.

I rush through Route 29 on my way to the lab, ready to tell Elm what had happened, but as I run inside a policeman stops me.

Policeman: Stop! A criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Obviously, you’re the crook!

Me: That doesn’t even make sense. Professor, didn’t you tell the police who I am?

Elm: Hurr Durrrrrrr

Me: Of course not.

Luckily for me Lyra comes in and defends my honor. Well, at least she did something right. The policeman then asks me who it was that I fought. His name? Horvitz. With a description and name of the perpetrator, the policeman goes to hunt him down. I’m sure they won’t screw that one up. Suddenly I remember the egg. I hand it over to the professor, who finds it fascinating. Was it worth it, professor?  Was it worth all this trouble?

Elm: Durrrrrrr

I went home and talked with my mom about my journey. She suggested that I send her half of my earnings from battling so she could save it. That’s a nice though, but then I remembered that she spent all that money on a two story house with only one bed… where two people live. No, I’m keeping that money.

Tonight I sleep in my bed for the final time. Tomorrow morning I’ll be heading out to take the gym challenge. I’ll defeat all eight gym leaders and attempt to become the champion. With Inferno safe in his pokéball, I fall asleep, ready for the adventures that await me in the future.

Team:

Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 8