When I went into the Pokémon center, a TV announcer asked me to describe how I felt about him in two words. “Hate You.” He couldn’t have been more pleased. This place is just… I don’t even. Where am I again? “Violet City.” How colorful. I caught another Bellsprout to trade to a guy named Rudy, who was too lazy to walk about a hundred feet and catch his own Bellsprout. I’m ten years old, dude: don’t make me do your dirty work. What kind of trainer are you? Anyway, he gave me an Onix. I don’t want it. Into the PC box you go. I went out to explore the city, but another creepy older man in a whole region full of creepy older men who find it invigorating to talk to me asked me if I had been to the Pokémon Academy. Why no, I hadn’t. I was still exploring the ci- “Oh, then we’re going to the academy and you have no say in it!” What the f-

Well… that was a waste of time. I’m done exploring the city: it’s time for my first gym battle! My team is ready to figh- what? I can’t go into the gym until I go to Sprout Tower? Does no one want me to challenge this gym or what? Fine, I’ll go Sprout Tower, but under protest.

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Nothing exemplifies a tower dedicated to a plant better than purple roofs.

I stared up at the tall tower that stood before me. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake. Lemon cake. Yeah, that’s the sh- what, another call? Who now? Frikken Joey again? You are seriously going to lose your phone privileges, Joey.

Me: What now, Joey?

Joey: My Rattata is in the top percentage of Rattata!

Me: … That’s pretty sad. *hang up*

I’m starting to hate that guy. Now let’s enter this tower. I see people milling around, all in love with the Bellsprout. Bellsprout isn’t that great, guys. Seriously, it’s really not. So I climbed the ladders up the tower and put the hurt on some monks. Then I saw a Gastly. There are ghosts in here? This tower is haunted? That’s frikken awesome! Why aren’t you all praising the Gastly? Maybe the tower wouldn’t be as pristine if the support beams were vaporous circles. The tower was a bit tough for my team: both Dahlia and Caitlin were defeated in battle, but Inferno easily ripped through the grass-type’s squishy faces. As I reached the top of the tower, I saw a familiar, ugly face. Horvitz!

I was prepared for a battle, but he didn’t seem interested. He mouthed off about elders and nice people before leaving the tower unopposed. He must’ve spent a lot of time in Florida. So now I’m in the battle of my life against the elder and his army of Bellsprout… okay, they all burned to death. That was the battle of my life? My life really sucks. For defeating him and honoring Bellsprout or something, he gives me the TM Flash. Flash? An old man is giving me Flash? Ok, seriously Johto, cut it out. I’m ten frikken years old. I know you’ve got some creepy NAMBLA fetish here, but step off. I will kick the crap out of any old man who gets up in my face.

I went down the tower and made quick work of the ghosts and plants that fought me every step of the way, but I took the time to catch myself a Gastly. I really like the ghost type, so I’m sure I can find a space in my team. Someone will have to be sacrificed though. I’ll decide tomorrow, though. In the meantime, I’m gonna go sleep in the Pokémon Center and get ready for my gym battle with Falkner tomorrow. Inferno and his ragtag group of Pokémon will show him the ways of children controlling dangerous creatures.

… Wait, Horvitz was there? I thought the police would’ve caught him by now. He’s literally walking around in plain sight with a stolen Pokémon!

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Nine officers of the law, seen here being incompetent.

Team:

Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 13

Geodude (Stallone): Lv. 10

Hoothoot (Blathers): Lv. 6

Spinarak (Dahlia): Lv. 5

Bellsprout (Venus): Lv. 4

Rattata (Caitlin): Lv. 3

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