Daylight burns my eyes; maybe I should buy curtains. I got up and headed down the stairs. I wanted to say it was adventure time, but I heard online that someone had taken that phrase and turned into an awful show. I gave my mom my final goodbyes, for I wouldn’t see here again until I got Fly. With Inferno walking behind me, I left New Bark Town in the dust, especially since I can frikken run now.

I hadn’t gotten five steps out of town before I saw Lyra waiting for me. “Hey Katgarr!” she called to me. “I’m gonna teach you how to catch Pokémon!” I don’t need any lessons from my spazzy friend. Oh, but she insists. I stood there, dumbfounded, as she and her Marill started jumping up and down in the tall grass like utter morons. “Was that too fast?” Too fast? Are you trying to catch the Pokémon or stomp them to death? Forget this, I can catch my own dang Pokémon. She did give me five pokéballs though, so I guess there’s something to say about that. I’m not going to figure out what that is, however.

As I progressed through Route 29 and Route 40 (I decided to check it out, although I couldn’t even lift my feet over the tiny roadblocks), my team began to flesh itself out. By the time I got myself back to Cherrygrove City my team consisted of Inferno, Blathers (Hoothoot), Caitlin (Rattata), and Stallone (Geodude). I noticed that Stallone didn’t really like to talk to the other Pokémon. He’s probably just shy: we can work on that. Anyway, so I enter the Cherrygrove Pokémon center to heal my team. I reach into my pocket to pay for the treatment, but the nurse at the counter tells me that they heal for free. Free healthcare? Oh those dastardly communists in the government! I knew that President Obamasnow was trying to steal our money to give free healthcare to the poor. Darn you, Obamasnow!

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Who does he think he is, increasing taxes on the uber tier?

Enough about the politics. With my team in tow, I head up Route 30 to administer the beatdown on Pokémon and trainers alike. I fought some kid named Joey and laid a monster smackdown on his Rattata. “Oh, I’m out of Pokémon that can fight.” Really now? It looks like your master plan of having one Pokémon is backfiring. My condolences… loser. I added Dahlia (Spinarak) to my team and headed up to Route 31. As I walked onto the grassy plains of the new route, a call came through on my pokégear. Was it my mom calling to say she missed me? Oh no, it’s Joey, five minutes after I give him my number.

Me: What do you want Joey?

Joey: I tried to catch a Spinarak but it got away. I thought of going after it, but I decided not to.

Me: Congratulations Joey. *hang up*

What a loser. As I whip a couple more loser trainers, Lyra runs up behind me and gasps, unable to believe I’m ahead of her. I’m just a better trainer than you, Lyra- Oh, she ran off again. Continuing on, I added the sixth and final member to my team: Venus (Bellsprout). I don’t know about this one: she’s a bit of a harlot.

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Oh god, the horror of a barely-related picture.

[Next time: Sprout Tower!]

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