Tag Archive: cyndaquil


When I went into the Pokémon center, a TV announcer asked me to describe how I felt about him in two words. “Hate You.” He couldn’t have been more pleased. This place is just… I don’t even. Where am I again? “Violet City.” How colorful. I caught another Bellsprout to trade to a guy named Rudy, who was too lazy to walk about a hundred feet and catch his own Bellsprout. I’m ten years old, dude: don’t make me do your dirty work. What kind of trainer are you? Anyway, he gave me an Onix. I don’t want it. Into the PC box you go. I went out to explore the city, but another creepy older man in a whole region full of creepy older men who find it invigorating to talk to me asked me if I had been to the Pokémon Academy. Why no, I hadn’t. I was still exploring the ci- “Oh, then we’re going to the academy and you have no say in it!” What the f-

Well… that was a waste of time. I’m done exploring the city: it’s time for my first gym battle! My team is ready to figh- what? I can’t go into the gym until I go to Sprout Tower? Does no one want me to challenge this gym or what? Fine, I’ll go Sprout Tower, but under protest.

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Nothing exemplifies a tower dedicated to a plant better than purple roofs.

I stared up at the tall tower that stood before me. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake. Lemon cake. Yeah, that’s the sh- what, another call? Who now? Frikken Joey again? You are seriously going to lose your phone privileges, Joey.

Me: What now, Joey?

Joey: My Rattata is in the top percentage of Rattata!

Me: … That’s pretty sad. *hang up*

I’m starting to hate that guy. Now let’s enter this tower. I see people milling around, all in love with the Bellsprout. Bellsprout isn’t that great, guys. Seriously, it’s really not. So I climbed the ladders up the tower and put the hurt on some monks. Then I saw a Gastly. There are ghosts in here? This tower is haunted? That’s frikken awesome! Why aren’t you all praising the Gastly? Maybe the tower wouldn’t be as pristine if the support beams were vaporous circles. The tower was a bit tough for my team: both Dahlia and Caitlin were defeated in battle, but Inferno easily ripped through the grass-type’s squishy faces. As I reached the top of the tower, I saw a familiar, ugly face. Horvitz!

I was prepared for a battle, but he didn’t seem interested. He mouthed off about elders and nice people before leaving the tower unopposed. He must’ve spent a lot of time in Florida. So now I’m in the battle of my life against the elder and his army of Bellsprout… okay, they all burned to death. That was the battle of my life? My life really sucks. For defeating him and honoring Bellsprout or something, he gives me the TM Flash. Flash? An old man is giving me Flash? Ok, seriously Johto, cut it out. I’m ten frikken years old. I know you’ve got some creepy NAMBLA fetish here, but step off. I will kick the crap out of any old man who gets up in my face.

I went down the tower and made quick work of the ghosts and plants that fought me every step of the way, but I took the time to catch myself a Gastly. I really like the ghost type, so I’m sure I can find a space in my team. Someone will have to be sacrificed though. I’ll decide tomorrow, though. In the meantime, I’m gonna go sleep in the Pokémon Center and get ready for my gym battle with Falkner tomorrow. Inferno and his ragtag group of Pokémon will show him the ways of children controlling dangerous creatures.

… Wait, Horvitz was there? I thought the police would’ve caught him by now. He’s literally walking around in plain sight with a stolen Pokémon!

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Nine officers of the law, seen here being incompetent.

Team:

Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 13

Geodude (Stallone): Lv. 10

Hoothoot (Blathers): Lv. 6

Spinarak (Dahlia): Lv. 5

Bellsprout (Venus): Lv. 4

Rattata (Caitlin): Lv. 3

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            Daylight burns my eyes; maybe I should buy curtains. I got up and headed down the stairs. I wanted to say it was adventure time, but I heard online that someone had taken that phrase and turned into an awful show. I gave my mom my final goodbyes, for I wouldn’t see here again until I got Fly. With Inferno walking behind me, I left New Bark Town in the dust, especially since I can frikken run now.

I hadn’t gotten five steps out of town before I saw Lyra waiting for me. “Hey Katgarr!” she called to me. “I’m gonna teach you how to catch Pokémon!” I don’t need any lessons from my spazzy friend. Oh, but she insists. I stood there, dumbfounded, as she and her Marill started jumping up and down in the tall grass like utter morons. “Was that too fast?” Too fast? Are you trying to catch the Pokémon or stomp them to death? Forget this, I can catch my own dang Pokémon. She did give me five pokéballs though, so I guess there’s something to say about that. I’m not going to figure out what that is, however.

As I progressed through Route 29 and Route 40 (I decided to check it out, although I couldn’t even lift my feet over the tiny roadblocks), my team began to flesh itself out. By the time I got myself back to Cherrygrove City my team consisted of Inferno, Blathers (Hoothoot), Caitlin (Rattata), and Stallone (Geodude). I noticed that Stallone didn’t really like to talk to the other Pokémon. He’s probably just shy: we can work on that. Anyway, so I enter the Cherrygrove Pokémon center to heal my team. I reach into my pocket to pay for the treatment, but the nurse at the counter tells me that they heal for free. Free healthcare? Oh those dastardly communists in the government! I knew that President Obamasnow was trying to steal our money to give free healthcare to the poor. Darn you, Obamasnow!

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Who does he think he is, increasing taxes on the uber tier?

Enough about the politics. With my team in tow, I head up Route 30 to administer the beatdown on Pokémon and trainers alike. I fought some kid named Joey and laid a monster smackdown on his Rattata. “Oh, I’m out of Pokémon that can fight.” Really now? It looks like your master plan of having one Pokémon is backfiring. My condolences… loser. I added Dahlia (Spinarak) to my team and headed up to Route 31. As I walked onto the grassy plains of the new route, a call came through on my pokégear. Was it my mom calling to say she missed me? Oh no, it’s Joey, five minutes after I give him my number.

Me: What do you want Joey?

Joey: I tried to catch a Spinarak but it got away. I thought of going after it, but I decided not to.

Me: Congratulations Joey. *hang up*

What a loser. As I whip a couple more loser trainers, Lyra runs up behind me and gasps, unable to believe I’m ahead of her. I’m just a better trainer than you, Lyra- Oh, she ran off again. Continuing on, I added the sixth and final member to my team: Venus (Bellsprout). I don’t know about this one: she’s a bit of a harlot.

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Oh god, the horror of a barely-related picture.

[Next time: Sprout Tower!]

After finishing conversing with my mom, I head out to Route 29 to get to Mr. Pokémon’s house. As I’m picking my way through the tall grass, the thought crosses my mind that no one told me how to find this man’s house. Just as I’m about to reach Cherrygrove City, a wild Hoothoot jumps out of the tall grass to face me. This is the perfect chance to test out my battling skills! I send out Inferno and a tense battle ensues. By tense, I mean that the Hoothoot stared at Inferno for a while while he tackled the wild Pokémon into oblivion. Score one for the good guys.

Soon the lights of Cherrygrove City appear before me. Shambling towards the entrance, I’m suddenly accosted by some old man. He rushes towards me and forces me to follow him around the city, showing me buildings I was already aware of. I sigh and follow him, growing bored of this old man’s shenanigans. At the end of the tour, he gives me shoes. Thanks… I think? Oh wait, now I can run! This doesn’t make any sense!

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Shoes: without them, you cannot run. Really, try it. Move your legs as fast as you want; you cannot do it.

I continued to adventure north through Route 30, battling a gaggle of Rattata, Hoothoots and Spinaraks along the way. Eventually I reached a house at the bottom of a cliff. This house, without me checking for any indication, is certainly Mr. Pokémon’s house. I let myself in, and it is. I’m good. I speak with more old men, this time Mr. Pokémon and Professor Oak. Mr. Pokémon gives me an egg to take back to Elm. Huh, Elm warned me that this guy enjoyed eggs. I’m surprised I didn’t get a side of hash browns with it. I just take the egg and go back outside when I get a call from Professor Elm. Yes, I have a phone too. I’m ten years old, in case you forgot. Anyway, now Elm’s crying to me about a “disaster,” and that I need to get back quickly. Oh, what’s he done now? I give Inferno an exasperated glance; he just shrugs, and so we battle our way back to home, or at least we try to. As we leave Cherrygrove, that stalker boy from the window appears before me. He gives me a furtive, suspicious glare, and I get definite feelings of mistrust. This conversation happens:

Me: Hey, I remember you. What are you doing here?

Passerby Boy: (notices Inferno) That’s a Pokémon that’s too good for a wimp like you.

Me: Oh, now you’ve done it. I’ve been waiting all night to fight you.

Passerby Boy: With our Pokémon, right?

Me: Uh… yeah, that’s what I meant…

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Seen here: the Pokémon battle I wanted to have with him.

Let the battle commence! Inferno leaps into battle as the boy sends out his Totodile. I remember that Pokémon from the lab and that “disaster” Elm spoke of. I accuse him of stealing the Pokémon. Yeah, of course he did. What a jerk. Why would that Totodile follow him if he stole it? The Totodile stares dumbly at me. Oh, that’s why.

His Pokémon has the type advantage… you know, that’d mean more if they knew more moves than Tackle or Scratch. The two starters clash in front of us, my Cyndaquil knocking his Totodile back, who scratches down Cyndaquil’s side in response. Back and forth they go, but unluckily for my foe, my Pokémon has been training. My power is just too much for him and Cyndaquil is able to dispatch Totodile. Victory is mine! Take that, you dirty thief!

Passerby Boy: Are you happy you won?

Me: Uh, yeah, duh. What kind of stupid question is that?

Passerby Boy: I’m going to be the world’s greatest Pokémon trainer.

Me: Yeah, by stealing Pokémon? Good luck with that.

He bumps into me and walks away, not particularly gracious in defeat. As he leaves, I notice he dropped something. Picking it up, it turned out that he dropped his ID card. I’m only able to see his name before he comes back and takes it away from me. “Oh no, you saw my name.” Yeah, you better walk away now! Just wait until I report you to the police! I’m sure they’ll go and arrest you and not let you wander around challenging me to battles for all eternity.

I rush through Route 29 on my way to the lab, ready to tell Elm what had happened, but as I run inside a policeman stops me.

Policeman: Stop! A criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Obviously, you’re the crook!

Me: That doesn’t even make sense. Professor, didn’t you tell the police who I am?

Elm: Hurr Durrrrrrr

Me: Of course not.

Luckily for me Lyra comes in and defends my honor. Well, at least she did something right. The policeman then asks me who it was that I fought. His name? Horvitz. With a description and name of the perpetrator, the policeman goes to hunt him down. I’m sure they won’t screw that one up. Suddenly I remember the egg. I hand it over to the professor, who finds it fascinating. Was it worth it, professor?  Was it worth all this trouble?

Elm: Durrrrrrr

I went home and talked with my mom about my journey. She suggested that I send her half of my earnings from battling so she could save it. That’s a nice though, but then I remembered that she spent all that money on a two story house with only one bed… where two people live. No, I’m keeping that money.

Tonight I sleep in my bed for the final time. Tomorrow morning I’ll be heading out to take the gym challenge. I’ll defeat all eight gym leaders and attempt to become the champion. With Inferno safe in his pokéball, I fall asleep, ready for the adventures that await me in the future.

Team:

Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 8

The screech of an alarm pierced through the early morning quiet and stirred me from my slumber. Yawning and stretching my arms, I grasped the alarm clock and dropkicked it against the wall. Why was I awake before noon again? Oh right, Pokémon. It’s always something with Pokémon, isn’t it?

Hello, my name is Katgarr. I’m a ten-year-old boy from New Bark Town and because our society values Pokémon over education, I’ve never had to go to school, ever. There aren’t even any schools in this region. Or anywhere. We’re not very smart. Stretching and leaving the comforts of bed, I walked over to my laptop to check my email. Yes, I’m ten years old and I have my own laptop, a TV, and a Wii. My mom isn’t very responsible, but hey, I ain’t complaining. Now, back to my email. Hey, I got a new email! I hope it isn’t another ad for senior dating: I hate spam mail. Hmm, it’s from my friend Lyra. Let’s see what she sent me… “Adventure! Excited! I love Pokémon!” … Thanks for the breaking news, Lyra.

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Fascinating

I descended downstairs and was greeted by my mom, who informed me that Lyra was out playing with her Marill. What?! She has a Pokémon and I don’t? What is this crap? Then she informed me that Professor Elm wanted to see me. Aww yeah, I know what that means. I’m gonna get my first Pokémon, and it’ll be much cooler than a wimpy Marill! I rushed quickly out of the house and off to the lab… or rather I shambled as slow as possible towards the front door. Why the hell can’t I run?

I shuffled slowly outside, and as soon as I stepped onto the porch a blue blur slammed straight into my chest. I let out a small groan of surprise as I stumbled backwards. Looking down, I saw Lyra’s Marill staring up at me. Lyra immediately came barreling over, the blue little puffball rushing over to her. I called out a greeting, but that little hoebag just grabbed Marill and ran off. Why am I friends with her again? Forget her, I’ll just go to the lab.

As I walked towards the lab, I saw something odd: a red-headed boy staring into the side window. Curious, I walked over and asked him what he was doing. He turned to me and mumbled, “… What are you staring at?” before bumping me out of the way. I was prepared to smash his stupid face in, but it wasn’t worth it… not yet, anyway. I’ll get my Pokémon, then I’ll use it to exact revenge. So into the lab I went.

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This jerk right here

The first person I saw once I stepped inside was a lab assistant. I went to inquire about the location of the professor, but he stopped me and informed me that he wasn’t the professor. Yeah, I got that. Don’t just assume I’m as stupid as you. I look towards the back of the lab and see the professor tinkering with some machines. I walk over and go to introduce myself. He’s ecstatic to see me, and I’ll admit it’s a bit creepy how happy this older man is to see me. Let’s just suppress those feelings for now. As we were talking, he was interrupted by an email. It turns out that his friend Mr. Pokémon has found something and needs the professor to go see it. Being the lazy git that he is, Elm decides that I should go do his work for him. I think about warning him of the creepy kid staring at us through the window as we speak, but now I’m annoyed, so forget you, Elm.

Me: (thinking) What a lazy bum. Forget you, Elm.

Elm: Now before you go, you should pick a Pokémon to take with you.

Me: All is forgiven!

The three starter Pokémon are released and I take a good look at each one. I immediately dismiss Chikorita because that’s a stupid Pokémon. I find that Totodile is a very lively one, and that could be a good asset to have, but there’s something about Cyndaquil… he stares up at me with a gentle gaze, but in his eyes I can see the fire of battle raging inside. That’s the Pokémon I want on my team. Professor Elm tries to interest me in Chikorita, but no dice. I take Cyndaquil’s pokéball and Elm reminds me to go show my mother. As I walk out of the lab, I hear the professor mutter to Chikorita, “I’m never gonna get rid of you.”

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No one likes you, Chikorita. You can’t even get stolen. Go back in your pokéball where you belong.

I go back to my house and show off Cyndaquil to my mom. He shyly looks around the room while she gushes over how cute he is. Of course. “At least you didn’t pick Chikorita,” she told me, “or I would’ve disowned you.”

Mom: So have you given a name to your Cyndaquil?

Me: Yes; I named him Inferno.

Mom: That’s a better name than Greenslash.

Me: What does that mean?

Mom: Ohh, nothing.

[Next time: Innocence is Relative (pt. 2)!]