Tag Archive: Pokemon

Pokémon is geared towards innocent kids, who just want to capture sentient creatures and force them to fight each other in a battle to the death faint. This is not for your eyes, kids. As we get older, some of us must shoulder the burden of having our entertainment ruined forever by looking past the veil into how nonsensical it all is. So that’s what this is: a talk about how Pokémon came to be. So first, we must go to the beginning.


And God said, “Let there be light,” and Game Freak said, “No, we’re making fairies.” And it was bad.

Ever since the original Pokémon games, it’s been common knowledge that all Pokémon have the DNA of Mew. After Sinnoh though, Arceus came into the picture. The G-O-D of everything. So, which is it? The fact that Mew was created game-wise before Arceus is irrelevant because of fossils (since they obviously existed long before the games begin), so for this discussion, I’m not going to be talking about Mew for awhile. This is because, if Mew is the progenitor of all Pokémon, what was it procreating with to create all these Pokémon? Mew has no gender, and unless the next games start circulating pictures of Mew with its legendary penis in a pint of ice cream, I think we’ll all be fine ignoring that history of the world. So, instead we’ll talk about two prevailing theories that I may have just made up: Arceus created all the Pokémon or humans created all the Pokémon. Of course, it could be a mix, which I’ll throw in as an aside later. Let’s start with the first one.

Arceus: The Original G-O-D

Known as the Alpha type, its Pokédex entries from Diamond and Pearl are, in order, “It is described in mythology as the Pokémon that shaped the universe with its 1,000 arms,” and “It is told in mythology that this Pokémon was born before the universe even existed.” Well, not only does that sound like a god, that sounds like the God. If it created the universe, odds are it created the things upon Earth, such as Pokémon and perhaps even people. Creating the universe also gives credence to the myth that Clefairy come from the Moon, since Arceus could have deemed it so if it had wanted to. It has godly powers, like the ability to change into any type via the plates, plus the Arceus-only move Judgement, which is pretty godly when you think about it. They say God made us in his image (which was a mistranslation, but move on, move on), so it stands to reason that perhaps Arceus did the same. It created various types of Pokémon, and since Arceus itself has powers, it bestowed all of these onto its creations. However, some things don’t add up, and that’s where the second theory comes in.

Humans: The Illuminati’s Paintbrush

If Arceus created all of the Pokémon, even accounting for evolution and mutations (like Carbink and Diancie), why are there creatures that look suspiciously like manmade objects? Why is there an ice cream Pokémon? Why is there a trash Pokémon? No, seriously, why?



With this theory, humans created Pokémon as a way to give people something to strive for in a dead-end world, plus it brings in tons of dat cash. This is the theory that I would subscribe to. It makes the most sense… which, I mean, it doesn’t, but don’t pretend like your idea makes sense. There are Pokémon research labs everywhere, and with the Ditto theory (that Dittos are failed Mew clones), it seems likely that humans found ways to create all of the Pokémon, so perhaps Mew’s DNA really is within all Pokémon. Well, I guess we aren’t really done talking about Mew. Whoops. I’ll get to that later. Also, here’s something that Pokémon creationism could never solve: stone evolutions. How could a stone be so powerful that it completely changes a Pokémon’s molecular structure, causing it to become a different creature while breaking the laws of conservation of mass at the same time? Let’s say Pokémon were created by humans, alright? Wouldn’t it make sense that the molecular structure of these creatures wasn’t entirely stable? Perhaps, even, that it was unstable enough that exposure to a radiating stone would cause a great change within in. That could even have been the intention all along. Nothing makes money quite like fresh, new things, and Eevee is a prime example. There are so many Eevees. Nothing on this Earth (that I know of: I’m no scientist) can do what an Eevee can do. Eevee’s molecular form is so unstable, anything can change it into a different creature: stone exposure, rock exposure, friendship… Okay, nothing will ever explain the power of friendship.


Wrong series. Get outta here.

That would also explain Mega Evolution, which makes a stone (plus a ring that you wear around your wrist because Japan doesn’t wear a lot of rings) transform a Pokémon temporarily into a much stronger beast, AKA steroids. There are just so many different Pokémon that do tremendous things and can be transformed easily with items. It would also explain the overarching Illuminati factor (that I love to push). The Illuminati created Pokémon in order to make lots and lots of money, and they made up the legends of legendary Pokémon in order to keep PETA-like groups off their backs. They control all of the Pokémarts and centers and, with their works on Ditto, it’s obviously they’re well-versed in clone technology, so it would explain why every Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny are the exact same thing over many continents. It could also explain why even the foremost researchers like Bill don’t know that there are many, many, many… many more Pokémon than are carved on his door. (EDIT: It would also also explain how HMs and TMs work, because you try putting a CD into an animal. It’s either a complete rewiring of their DNA, or all Pokémon are secretly made by EA and they just have day one DLC you have to pay for.) (EDIT 2: So yes, I know you don’t put the CD in the Pokémon, you put it on top of them… so that does? My friend suggested the CD is laced with protein strands, and that’s as good as anything.) There is one more thing for the Arceus theory, though…

Type Retcons

At certain times, Pokémon have changed types as they go from game to game. This is to make more sense out of a Pokémon when a new type comes in (Magnemite: Steel; Jigglypuff: Fairy), but what if it was something more? What if it was evolution? Not Pokémon evolution, but evolution… evolution. There were Pokémon, like Gardevoir and Jigglypuff, which had weaknesses to certain types (Dark and Fighting, respectively), so future generations gained an evolutionary trait to combat this weakness (Fairy).

In Conclusion

For my money, I like to think that it’s a combination of all three, in a way. In the beginning, Arceus created the world. It created the regions, it created the legendaries, and it created a bunch of Pokémon. Later, humans began to experiment on Pokémon using Mew DNA (there it is again) creating more than just Ditto, but a bunch of different Pokémon, including literally trash. They created items to capture Pokémon, to heal Pokémon, to power them up. They grew berries and other herbal remedies in a very hippy way. The Illuminati still controls the Pokémon creation and the cloning processes (because I don’t believe in any gaming reality without them), but legendaries do exist and keep balance. That’s why they can’t procreate: there can only be one to keep balance. And no, nothing will explain how Onix and Weedle can breed. Josh why. So, yes, this is way too deep for a game from the 1990s where I’m sure they never thought one second about any of this. It’s food for thought though, and I guess the only question we have left is




So it’s not 2013 anymore. Whoops. These are the top five old stages that I’d like to see return to the new Super Smash Bros. that’s coming out this year. To be specific, these are stages from the first two SSB games that were not in Brawl.


#5: Mushroom Kingdom


The original hidden stage, Mushroom Kingdom was always fun to play back when I was a kid. Sure, you could get pushed back until you couldn’t be seen and just die, and the middle platforms could always drop you to your death, but there’s a POW block. That’s pretty cool, right? We could bring back this stage and get rid of Mushroomy Kingdom, because the underground portion was awful.

#4: Great Bay


I think what’s cool about Great Bay (from Melee) is its uniqueness. It’s a smallish stage, yes, but it’s also got a turtle island that betrays you and sinks you to the murky depths of the ocean. Plus, Tingle’s just floating there, waiting to be destroyed so utterly. It’s no Pirate Ship, but it’s a lot more manageable than the behemoth they call Temple. Seriously, shorten that one up.

#3: Yoshi’s Island


No, wait, that one’s already in Brawl.


No, that one’s in Brawl too…


There it is.

Okay, there, that one. It isn’t really anything special, but it’s Yoshi. Yoshi is super and he is the character your world deserves. Yoshi’s Island is really Mario’s stage, and Yoshi’s Island is kind of lame. Now Yoshi’s Island, this one is cooler. It’s from Yoshi’s Story and is super-imposed over our favorite tree, the Super Happy Tree.

Seriously, Yoshi has more than one game. You don’t need to call every stage Yoshi’s Island.

#2: Saffron City


The strangest stage to be tournament (considering how Ness gets wrecked in that little drop between buildings), this stage is actually pretty cool. The main attraction is the garage thing where Pokemon come out of. Electrode blows you up, Porygon punches you with its face, and then you seek unneeded revenge on Chansey by knocking her smug helpful self out of the stage. Not only could they add more Pokemon, but they could get rid of the original Pokemon Stadium, since it’s really unnecessary. It’s literally Pokemon Stadium 2 with less stuff.

#1: Poke Floats


What are you doing, Seel?… Why are you watching, Wooper?

Wooper is really happy to see you. Here it is, the best stage we’re missing out on: Poke Float. Now, I dislike moving stages, since they’re too difficult to keep a grip on, but this stage wins points for being full of Pokemon. Sure, it would need some updating (probably) for some hopefully non-Gen V Pokemon, but that would just make it more awesome. I would love to play this stage again in the newest installment of Super Smash Bros. Just… keep Seel away from Venusaur.

Where’s Yoshi, Nintendo? Save Yoshi 2014.

I returned to Dark Cave to conquer it… that’s the end of that sentence. I burned through the Zubats and drowned all the Geodudes, but I did end up catching a Dunsparce (Jon). All of this led me to a giant rock blocking my path. Strength? You’ve gotta be kidding me. It’s like they don’t want me to get by this cave. Well forget you, cave! I think Mt. Moon is much better. I planned to just head back towards Violet City, but then that egg started hatching! I put the egg in my hands and watched in awe as the creature inside broke free. It was a… Togepi? Oh, well this is lame. Now Professor Elm has been stalking me and wants to see the new Togepi. Alright fine, let’s go back to New Bark.

I traversed back to New Bark and showed Elm the new Pokémon. Unfortunately he doesn’t want to keep him, so I’m stuck with him. Your name is Erenzu: now get in the box. I think Dahlia is happy is to return to the team. I decided to head down Route 32 so I could get to the next gym. More conversations with Joey:

Joey: Durrrrr, I saw a Pokémon!

Me: Well, did you catch it this time?

Joey: … No, it got away.

Me: You’re the worst trainer ever.

Joey: What about Dawn?

Me: … Second worst trainer ever.

We all knew that Dahlia’s time with the team would be short: bug Pokémon aren’t terrific, let’s just say that. So when I caught a Mareep (Sygnal) down Route 32, it was time to say goodbye to that Spinarak. We’ll remember you always… now get in the box.

Now I reach a tiny Pokémon Center near a cave. When I head in there, this older gentleman calls me over and asks if I want one of his rods. … Johto, I told you about this. I told you no more of the pedo crap, but you keep thrusting older men’s rods on me. Johto, you are the homosex… Eff it, let’s go fishing.

I sit there and fish forever, since fishing is boring as hell. But now something’s on the line. Something’s tugging on that old man’s rod! It’s a Magika-wait, who cares about a Magikarp? I caught it, I shoved it in the box. I was done with it before I even started that battle. Let’s stop fishing. Now I head to the entrance of the Union Cave. Alright cave, I’ve been to Dark Cave, and that sucked. You’d better not screw me over, or there will be hell to pay. I enter the cave, preparing myself for whatever waits inside.

            As I woke up this morning, I decided to see how Inferno was doing. I let him out of his pokéball, letting him stretch his legs. He was fine; that’s good. I went to the PC and attempted to get my new Gastly out of it, but I couldn’t access it. I asked the nurse what was going on and she told me that all their PCs got viruses, so they had to fix them before Pokémon could be transferred. Great; they really should start using Macs.

Eventually I got Shadow (Gastly) out of the computer to replace Caitlin, so now I was on my way to the gym: I was ready to defeat Falkner! I stormed into the joint and laid waste to his lackeys, sending them to sheer defeat. It was time for the leader. Falkner looked up as I approached and welcomed me into his sanctuary. This gym, like all the other gyms, had a proud history of using one type of Pokémon without any diversification. “Yes, all my Pokémon are weak to the same types. Why do you ask?” This’ll be fun. Falkner sent out his Pidgey, so I countered with Inferno.

His Pidgey attacked Inferno with a series of weak flying moves, but he clearly was outmatched by my fiery destroyer (patent pending), who burned that bird to a crisp with ember. That was an easy first victory for su-oh wait, what’s this? Inferno is glowing! That’s right saan, Inferno evolved into Quilava! That’s what’s up! That was enough for now though: Stallone would take the final battle versus Pidgeotto. This would be an epic battle, right? Rock Throw, dead. Oh, okay, maybe not. Victory is mine!


Two birds, one stone.

I walk out of the gym, triumphant with my first gym badge, when the professor gives me a call. He got tired of the egg and it’s now my job to take care of it. Oh… what a letdown. I decided to try and hatch the egg when I obtained it from his assistant, so I put Dahlia in the PC for a breather and took the egg. I tried to continue on my way, but a geisha confronts me and tells me to look after the egg. Ok… I planned to, lady. What do you think I’m gonna do, scramble it? Well, at least it’s a woman who’s being creepy to me now instead of a man.

I decided to head back to Elm for reasons I can no longer recall, but I caught some more Pokémon! They included Aeris (Pidgey), Fungo (Sentret), and Chrysalis (Caterpie). Out of three, I decided to put Aeris into the team. Sorry Blathers, maybe another time. So now I’m back in Violet City, and I can head off to Route 36… or not, because there’s a tree blocking the way. The thought of cutting the tree down hasn’t occurred to anyone, so I guess I’m just going down through Route 32.

Now I find myself in some mysterious ruins. I gaze about this site of ruin excavation, and I reason that, as a ten-year-old kid, I shouldn’t be running around here. As it turns out, I was wrong, because I not only can explore the ruins, I can frikken touch them and solve puzzles. Well, so much for look, don’t touch. I decided to try out the puzzle, and what do ya know, I solved it! A Kabuto, huh… wait, why is the floor shaking? Oh Arceus, there’s no more floor aaaaaaaaaaaa!

I fall down into a dark tunnel where an archaeologist greets me, saying I must’ve solved the puzzle. Are you insane? Your puzzle involves sending people falling into a dark tunnel. You have no regards for anyone’s safety. Forget this, I’m out of here. I caught myself an Unown, but I don’t know much about it. At this point, I’m not too interested in exploring it, so I just leave. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.


Specifically, this fish.

So now I return to Violet City. Since that creepy man gave me Flash, I reason I can get farther through Dark Cave without bumping into walls. I decided to rest in the Pokémon Center before heading out, so I checked on how Inferno was doing. He was pretty happy: loving the new evolution. I kicked back and relaxed, getting ready to explore the cave, and this day isn’t even half done.

When I went into the Pokémon center, a TV announcer asked me to describe how I felt about him in two words. “Hate You.” He couldn’t have been more pleased. This place is just… I don’t even. Where am I again? “Violet City.” How colorful. I caught another Bellsprout to trade to a guy named Rudy, who was too lazy to walk about a hundred feet and catch his own Bellsprout. I’m ten years old, dude: don’t make me do your dirty work. What kind of trainer are you? Anyway, he gave me an Onix. I don’t want it. Into the PC box you go. I went out to explore the city, but another creepy older man in a whole region full of creepy older men who find it invigorating to talk to me asked me if I had been to the Pokémon Academy. Why no, I hadn’t. I was still exploring the ci- “Oh, then we’re going to the academy and you have no say in it!” What the f-

Well… that was a waste of time. I’m done exploring the city: it’s time for my first gym battle! My team is ready to figh- what? I can’t go into the gym until I go to Sprout Tower? Does no one want me to challenge this gym or what? Fine, I’ll go Sprout Tower, but under protest.


Nothing exemplifies a tower dedicated to a plant better than purple roofs.

I stared up at the tall tower that stood before me. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake. Lemon cake. Yeah, that’s the sh- what, another call? Who now? Frikken Joey again? You are seriously going to lose your phone privileges, Joey.

Me: What now, Joey?

Joey: My Rattata is in the top percentage of Rattata!

Me: … That’s pretty sad. *hang up*

I’m starting to hate that guy. Now let’s enter this tower. I see people milling around, all in love with the Bellsprout. Bellsprout isn’t that great, guys. Seriously, it’s really not. So I climbed the ladders up the tower and put the hurt on some monks. Then I saw a Gastly. There are ghosts in here? This tower is haunted? That’s frikken awesome! Why aren’t you all praising the Gastly? Maybe the tower wouldn’t be as pristine if the support beams were vaporous circles. The tower was a bit tough for my team: both Dahlia and Caitlin were defeated in battle, but Inferno easily ripped through the grass-type’s squishy faces. As I reached the top of the tower, I saw a familiar, ugly face. Horvitz!

I was prepared for a battle, but he didn’t seem interested. He mouthed off about elders and nice people before leaving the tower unopposed. He must’ve spent a lot of time in Florida. So now I’m in the battle of my life against the elder and his army of Bellsprout… okay, they all burned to death. That was the battle of my life? My life really sucks. For defeating him and honoring Bellsprout or something, he gives me the TM Flash. Flash? An old man is giving me Flash? Ok, seriously Johto, cut it out. I’m ten frikken years old. I know you’ve got some creepy NAMBLA fetish here, but step off. I will kick the crap out of any old man who gets up in my face.

I went down the tower and made quick work of the ghosts and plants that fought me every step of the way, but I took the time to catch myself a Gastly. I really like the ghost type, so I’m sure I can find a space in my team. Someone will have to be sacrificed though. I’ll decide tomorrow, though. In the meantime, I’m gonna go sleep in the Pokémon Center and get ready for my gym battle with Falkner tomorrow. Inferno and his ragtag group of Pokémon will show him the ways of children controlling dangerous creatures.

… Wait, Horvitz was there? I thought the police would’ve caught him by now. He’s literally walking around in plain sight with a stolen Pokémon!


Nine officers of the law, seen here being incompetent.


Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 13

Geodude (Stallone): Lv. 10

Hoothoot (Blathers): Lv. 6

Spinarak (Dahlia): Lv. 5

Bellsprout (Venus): Lv. 4

Rattata (Caitlin): Lv. 3

            Daylight burns my eyes; maybe I should buy curtains. I got up and headed down the stairs. I wanted to say it was adventure time, but I heard online that someone had taken that phrase and turned into an awful show. I gave my mom my final goodbyes, for I wouldn’t see here again until I got Fly. With Inferno walking behind me, I left New Bark Town in the dust, especially since I can frikken run now.

I hadn’t gotten five steps out of town before I saw Lyra waiting for me. “Hey Katgarr!” she called to me. “I’m gonna teach you how to catch Pokémon!” I don’t need any lessons from my spazzy friend. Oh, but she insists. I stood there, dumbfounded, as she and her Marill started jumping up and down in the tall grass like utter morons. “Was that too fast?” Too fast? Are you trying to catch the Pokémon or stomp them to death? Forget this, I can catch my own dang Pokémon. She did give me five pokéballs though, so I guess there’s something to say about that. I’m not going to figure out what that is, however.

As I progressed through Route 29 and Route 40 (I decided to check it out, although I couldn’t even lift my feet over the tiny roadblocks), my team began to flesh itself out. By the time I got myself back to Cherrygrove City my team consisted of Inferno, Blathers (Hoothoot), Caitlin (Rattata), and Stallone (Geodude). I noticed that Stallone didn’t really like to talk to the other Pokémon. He’s probably just shy: we can work on that. Anyway, so I enter the Cherrygrove Pokémon center to heal my team. I reach into my pocket to pay for the treatment, but the nurse at the counter tells me that they heal for free. Free healthcare? Oh those dastardly communists in the government! I knew that President Obamasnow was trying to steal our money to give free healthcare to the poor. Darn you, Obamasnow!


Who does he think he is, increasing taxes on the uber tier?

Enough about the politics. With my team in tow, I head up Route 30 to administer the beatdown on Pokémon and trainers alike. I fought some kid named Joey and laid a monster smackdown on his Rattata. “Oh, I’m out of Pokémon that can fight.” Really now? It looks like your master plan of having one Pokémon is backfiring. My condolences… loser. I added Dahlia (Spinarak) to my team and headed up to Route 31. As I walked onto the grassy plains of the new route, a call came through on my pokégear. Was it my mom calling to say she missed me? Oh no, it’s Joey, five minutes after I give him my number.

Me: What do you want Joey?

Joey: I tried to catch a Spinarak but it got away. I thought of going after it, but I decided not to.

Me: Congratulations Joey. *hang up*

What a loser. As I whip a couple more loser trainers, Lyra runs up behind me and gasps, unable to believe I’m ahead of her. I’m just a better trainer than you, Lyra- Oh, she ran off again. Continuing on, I added the sixth and final member to my team: Venus (Bellsprout). I don’t know about this one: she’s a bit of a harlot.


Oh god, the horror of a barely-related picture.

[Next time: Sprout Tower!]

After finishing conversing with my mom, I head out to Route 29 to get to Mr. Pokémon’s house. As I’m picking my way through the tall grass, the thought crosses my mind that no one told me how to find this man’s house. Just as I’m about to reach Cherrygrove City, a wild Hoothoot jumps out of the tall grass to face me. This is the perfect chance to test out my battling skills! I send out Inferno and a tense battle ensues. By tense, I mean that the Hoothoot stared at Inferno for a while while he tackled the wild Pokémon into oblivion. Score one for the good guys.

Soon the lights of Cherrygrove City appear before me. Shambling towards the entrance, I’m suddenly accosted by some old man. He rushes towards me and forces me to follow him around the city, showing me buildings I was already aware of. I sigh and follow him, growing bored of this old man’s shenanigans. At the end of the tour, he gives me shoes. Thanks… I think? Oh wait, now I can run! This doesn’t make any sense!


Shoes: without them, you cannot run. Really, try it. Move your legs as fast as you want; you cannot do it.

I continued to adventure north through Route 30, battling a gaggle of Rattata, Hoothoots and Spinaraks along the way. Eventually I reached a house at the bottom of a cliff. This house, without me checking for any indication, is certainly Mr. Pokémon’s house. I let myself in, and it is. I’m good. I speak with more old men, this time Mr. Pokémon and Professor Oak. Mr. Pokémon gives me an egg to take back to Elm. Huh, Elm warned me that this guy enjoyed eggs. I’m surprised I didn’t get a side of hash browns with it. I just take the egg and go back outside when I get a call from Professor Elm. Yes, I have a phone too. I’m ten years old, in case you forgot. Anyway, now Elm’s crying to me about a “disaster,” and that I need to get back quickly. Oh, what’s he done now? I give Inferno an exasperated glance; he just shrugs, and so we battle our way back to home, or at least we try to. As we leave Cherrygrove, that stalker boy from the window appears before me. He gives me a furtive, suspicious glare, and I get definite feelings of mistrust. This conversation happens:

Me: Hey, I remember you. What are you doing here?

Passerby Boy: (notices Inferno) That’s a Pokémon that’s too good for a wimp like you.

Me: Oh, now you’ve done it. I’ve been waiting all night to fight you.

Passerby Boy: With our Pokémon, right?

Me: Uh… yeah, that’s what I meant…


Seen here: the Pokémon battle I wanted to have with him.

Let the battle commence! Inferno leaps into battle as the boy sends out his Totodile. I remember that Pokémon from the lab and that “disaster” Elm spoke of. I accuse him of stealing the Pokémon. Yeah, of course he did. What a jerk. Why would that Totodile follow him if he stole it? The Totodile stares dumbly at me. Oh, that’s why.

His Pokémon has the type advantage… you know, that’d mean more if they knew more moves than Tackle or Scratch. The two starters clash in front of us, my Cyndaquil knocking his Totodile back, who scratches down Cyndaquil’s side in response. Back and forth they go, but unluckily for my foe, my Pokémon has been training. My power is just too much for him and Cyndaquil is able to dispatch Totodile. Victory is mine! Take that, you dirty thief!

Passerby Boy: Are you happy you won?

Me: Uh, yeah, duh. What kind of stupid question is that?

Passerby Boy: I’m going to be the world’s greatest Pokémon trainer.

Me: Yeah, by stealing Pokémon? Good luck with that.

He bumps into me and walks away, not particularly gracious in defeat. As he leaves, I notice he dropped something. Picking it up, it turned out that he dropped his ID card. I’m only able to see his name before he comes back and takes it away from me. “Oh no, you saw my name.” Yeah, you better walk away now! Just wait until I report you to the police! I’m sure they’ll go and arrest you and not let you wander around challenging me to battles for all eternity.

I rush through Route 29 on my way to the lab, ready to tell Elm what had happened, but as I run inside a policeman stops me.

Policeman: Stop! A criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Obviously, you’re the crook!

Me: That doesn’t even make sense. Professor, didn’t you tell the police who I am?

Elm: Hurr Durrrrrrr

Me: Of course not.

Luckily for me Lyra comes in and defends my honor. Well, at least she did something right. The policeman then asks me who it was that I fought. His name? Horvitz. With a description and name of the perpetrator, the policeman goes to hunt him down. I’m sure they won’t screw that one up. Suddenly I remember the egg. I hand it over to the professor, who finds it fascinating. Was it worth it, professor?  Was it worth all this trouble?

Elm: Durrrrrrr

I went home and talked with my mom about my journey. She suggested that I send her half of my earnings from battling so she could save it. That’s a nice though, but then I remembered that she spent all that money on a two story house with only one bed… where two people live. No, I’m keeping that money.

Tonight I sleep in my bed for the final time. Tomorrow morning I’ll be heading out to take the gym challenge. I’ll defeat all eight gym leaders and attempt to become the champion. With Inferno safe in his pokéball, I fall asleep, ready for the adventures that await me in the future.


Cyndaquil (Inferno): Lv. 8

The screech of an alarm pierced through the early morning quiet and stirred me from my slumber. Yawning and stretching my arms, I grasped the alarm clock and dropkicked it against the wall. Why was I awake before noon again? Oh right, Pokémon. It’s always something with Pokémon, isn’t it?

Hello, my name is Katgarr. I’m a ten-year-old boy from New Bark Town and because our society values Pokémon over education, I’ve never had to go to school, ever. There aren’t even any schools in this region. Or anywhere. We’re not very smart. Stretching and leaving the comforts of bed, I walked over to my laptop to check my email. Yes, I’m ten years old and I have my own laptop, a TV, and a Wii. My mom isn’t very responsible, but hey, I ain’t complaining. Now, back to my email. Hey, I got a new email! I hope it isn’t another ad for senior dating: I hate spam mail. Hmm, it’s from my friend Lyra. Let’s see what she sent me… “Adventure! Excited! I love Pokémon!” … Thanks for the breaking news, Lyra.



I descended downstairs and was greeted by my mom, who informed me that Lyra was out playing with her Marill. What?! She has a Pokémon and I don’t? What is this crap? Then she informed me that Professor Elm wanted to see me. Aww yeah, I know what that means. I’m gonna get my first Pokémon, and it’ll be much cooler than a wimpy Marill! I rushed quickly out of the house and off to the lab… or rather I shambled as slow as possible towards the front door. Why the hell can’t I run?

I shuffled slowly outside, and as soon as I stepped onto the porch a blue blur slammed straight into my chest. I let out a small groan of surprise as I stumbled backwards. Looking down, I saw Lyra’s Marill staring up at me. Lyra immediately came barreling over, the blue little puffball rushing over to her. I called out a greeting, but that little hoebag just grabbed Marill and ran off. Why am I friends with her again? Forget her, I’ll just go to the lab.

As I walked towards the lab, I saw something odd: a red-headed boy staring into the side window. Curious, I walked over and asked him what he was doing. He turned to me and mumbled, “… What are you staring at?” before bumping me out of the way. I was prepared to smash his stupid face in, but it wasn’t worth it… not yet, anyway. I’ll get my Pokémon, then I’ll use it to exact revenge. So into the lab I went.


This jerk right here

The first person I saw once I stepped inside was a lab assistant. I went to inquire about the location of the professor, but he stopped me and informed me that he wasn’t the professor. Yeah, I got that. Don’t just assume I’m as stupid as you. I look towards the back of the lab and see the professor tinkering with some machines. I walk over and go to introduce myself. He’s ecstatic to see me, and I’ll admit it’s a bit creepy how happy this older man is to see me. Let’s just suppress those feelings for now. As we were talking, he was interrupted by an email. It turns out that his friend Mr. Pokémon has found something and needs the professor to go see it. Being the lazy git that he is, Elm decides that I should go do his work for him. I think about warning him of the creepy kid staring at us through the window as we speak, but now I’m annoyed, so forget you, Elm.

Me: (thinking) What a lazy bum. Forget you, Elm.

Elm: Now before you go, you should pick a Pokémon to take with you.

Me: All is forgiven!

The three starter Pokémon are released and I take a good look at each one. I immediately dismiss Chikorita because that’s a stupid Pokémon. I find that Totodile is a very lively one, and that could be a good asset to have, but there’s something about Cyndaquil… he stares up at me with a gentle gaze, but in his eyes I can see the fire of battle raging inside. That’s the Pokémon I want on my team. Professor Elm tries to interest me in Chikorita, but no dice. I take Cyndaquil’s pokéball and Elm reminds me to go show my mother. As I walk out of the lab, I hear the professor mutter to Chikorita, “I’m never gonna get rid of you.”


No one likes you, Chikorita. You can’t even get stolen. Go back in your pokéball where you belong.

I go back to my house and show off Cyndaquil to my mom. He shyly looks around the room while she gushes over how cute he is. Of course. “At least you didn’t pick Chikorita,” she told me, “or I would’ve disowned you.”

Mom: So have you given a name to your Cyndaquil?

Me: Yes; I named him Inferno.

Mom: That’s a better name than Greenslash.

Me: What does that mean?

Mom: Ohh, nothing.

[Next time: Innocence is Relative (pt. 2)!]