Archive for February, 2012


Last time: games sucked. This time: games suck. Except this time, there will be two games of true horror, with another random game for posterity. No time for chitchat: let’s do this thing!

Lux-Pain

Lux-Pain is a graphic novel game for the DS, so right away you should be wary: graphic novels aren’t really games as much as they’re books. But this one had a very depressing narrative, and it looked all cool – and stuff. But once I started the game, something was fishy, but what was it…

What could it be...

Oh right, it was how the “boss” “battles” were little growths popping up on the bottom of the screen and you had to tap them repeatedly with the stylus to “defeat” them. Oh, and the translation was awful too. Guess I forgot about that.

Oh come on, the game isn't THAT bad

 Superman 64

Wait, what? Why would I have this façade of a game? That blame is square on my brother, C.J, who bought it because he’d been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.

My reaction while playing this game

This game is indeed as terrible as they say. The controls were non-sensical and the first part of the game made you fly through rings, and after each completed mission, you fly through rings, and when you save a car by throwing it through the air, rings!

Average Sonic the Hedgehog game

No more of this: this game is horrific. What could possibly be next?

E.T. (Atari 2600) 

Oh lord. Who has cursed this game upon us now? Who dares bring this game to my lair?

Link: The Faces of Evil

Yes, that dastardly C.J. brought this game to my lair. He asked for, and received, an Atari 7800 for Christmahanukkah, and purchased E.T. from a vintage game store (Game Over) for $1.99. Once the game was turned on, everything was terrible forever.

What is this I don't even

The premise of the game is to… ok, I don’t know that. But as you can see by the visual representation, that light green thing is E.T., that rainbow-colored thing is a person, and those dark green holes are… well, holes. They look like trees, but you will fall into them, every day. The little green dot is a… well, you collect them. I think it’s a reeses pieces. Then Dick Tracy and a black person start humping the air and coming to arrest you, cart you off to jail, and steal your dark green dots. But then you walk out of the jail without any difficulty or consequences, which must mean you’re a white businessman.

Say what?!

Apparently, there is a way to defeat this game (says Josh, and totally not John), but I don’t believe this. There is no end to this travesty: you have a step counter, and when you run out, you die. But then a lil’ boy comes (COMES) and gives you some more steps, and this process never frikken ends. NEVER. FRIKKEN. ENDS.

NUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.

Dead Man Driving

Several days ago, I got Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for the Mac (I’ll just put it on the record that my mom does not approve, so don’t go thinking she does). Let’s just say it’s one of the best games ever. But for this blog post, I’ll talk about the part that takes up most of my time: driving.

This is how each of my driving excursions usually ends.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m a terrible driver in GTA:SA, buuuuut I usually cause more collateral damage to the city in one driving session than the entire Justice League in one episode (and that’s quite a lot). I have run over so many people by complete accident, it’s not even funny (ok, it’s pretty funny). I’m still surprised my homies talk to me after all the times I’ve accidentally run them over or caused the car they were in to blow up.

On the first day I was playing, I had failed a mission after blowing up my car outside of the house I had to go to. So, I was grabbing a new car (the term is “borrowing”) to get back to the hood, and 30 seconds later, I had blown up that car too. Alright, no problem, I’ll just grab another one. A minute later, that one was up in flames. And yet, on every mission they ask me to drive. The fact that they force me to drive on every mission may account for the rising crime rate in inner cities.

Another crime that could've been prevented if I had taken driving lessons

I should also mention my great shortcut to getting back to the hood: driving through the guardrail and falling off the bridge into the hood. Don’t see that on the map, now do you? But really, there’s one more topic to speak about: the police are bustas. I went out to try and specifically NOT kill policemen, but that’s a hard task to accomplish when they literally jump against your car. They jumped AGAINST my car, not away from it, towards it. And then they blew it up. Bustas!

You heard me, busta!

In conclusion, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is one of the best games ever made ever, and I should NOT be virtually driving (however, I drive well in real life, because I don’t drive at max speed, then turn and hope I stay on the road).

Today’s link is the song I got my title from: Dead Man Walking by Bloodsimple:

Today’s blog post is dedicated to former Major League Baseball catcher Gary Carter, who died of brain cancer yesterday. One of the great catchers of all time, it’s a shame he had to go.

That’s all I got. I’ll get a good blog post in next time, full of excitement and my inability to drive virtual cars.

Rolling in the Derp

Well folks, it’s finally here. That blog you oh-so did not want me to do (I can read it in your virtual eyes). I will keep blogging if you do not meet my demans- too late! Welcome to Save the Daylight!

No, not all of Dallas!

The first question was: “Why are you doing this?” The reason I’m doing this is because I have many opinions on many things, and using Facebook to shove them down your throat isn’t working well enough.

The second question was: “Why do you torture us with more of your words?” You are all masochistic and my words are that pleasurable pain you have no choice but to endure. I’ll take this time to mention that do not cut your wrists. That ain’t cool.

The final question was: “What is you?” I am not know.

This blog will include offensive content, so whenever a passage comes up of questionable tastes, I will put [Offensive] to signal it exists, and [/Offensive] to signal its end. That means you don’t have to read it, mom.

As long as I’m not lazy, there will be more blog posts in the future, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading them, only two people who are going to read this blog. But that doesn’t matter, because I turned 20 this month, so I’m a maaaaaaaan.

The final note of today is that the Grammys are a poor showcasing of musical talent (besides the Foo Fighters). I don’t have much of an opinion on Adele winning best everything, but I like this version of “Rolling in the Deep” better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHtwZ07N1ic&ob=av2e