Last time: games sucked. This time: games suck. Except this time, there will be two games of true horror, with another random game for posterity. No time for chitchat: let’s do this thing!
Lux-Pain is a graphic novel game for the DS, so right away you should be wary: graphic novels aren’t really games as much as they’re books. But this one had a very depressing narrative, and it looked all cool – and stuff. But once I started the game, something was fishy, but what was it…
Oh right, it was how the “boss” “battles” were little growths popping up on the bottom of the screen and you had to tap them repeatedly with the stylus to “defeat” them. Oh, and the translation was awful too. Guess I forgot about that.
Wait, what? Why would I have this façade of a game? That blame is square on my brother, C.J, who bought it because he’d been watching too much Angry Video Game Nerd.
This game is indeed as terrible as they say. The controls were non-sensical and the first part of the game made you fly through rings, and after each completed mission, you fly through rings, and when you save a car by throwing it through the air, rings!
No more of this: this game is horrific. What could possibly be next?
E.T. (Atari 2600)
Oh lord. Who has cursed this game upon us now? Who dares bring this game to my lair?
Yes, that dastardly C.J. brought this game to my lair. He asked for, and received, an Atari 7800 for Christmahanukkah, and purchased E.T. from a vintage game store (Game Over) for $1.99. Once the game was turned on, everything was terrible forever.
The premise of the game is to… ok, I don’t know that. But as you can see by the visual representation, that light green thing is E.T., that rainbow-colored thing is a person, and those dark green holes are… well, holes. They look like trees, but you will fall into them, every day. The little green dot is a… well, you collect them. I think it’s a reeses pieces. Then Dick Tracy and a black person start humping the air and coming to arrest you, cart you off to jail, and steal your dark green dots. But then you walk out of the jail without any difficulty or consequences, which must mean you’re a white businessman.
Apparently, there is a way to defeat this game (says Josh, and totally not John), but I don’t believe this. There is no end to this travesty: you have a step counter, and when you run out, you die. But then a lil’ boy comes (COMES) and gives you some more steps, and this process never frikken ends. NEVER. FRIKKEN. ENDS.