My Bottom Ten Video Games I’ve Ever Played (Pt. 2)

Previously on MBTVGIEPP2: unnecessary sword fighting. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

#5: Penumbra: Requiem (Steam)

Technically this is cheating, since this is an expansion and not a full game. I didn’t even want to put this in the list at first since, after playing it, calling it a game would be a misnomer of the highest caliber. In the end though, I did add it, and we all suffer for it. This is the first – and final – expansion on the Penumbra series by Frictional Games. While I only played the second one (Penumbra: Black Plague), I thought it was acceptable and good segue into the superior Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Then there was this…

Gameplay

Penumbra: Requiem takes place immediately after the events of Black Plague where, spoilers obviously, you get smacked in the back of the head by a Tuurngait and pass out. When you come to, you wake up in the ultimate nightmare: this game. Through the three hours it takes to get through this… thing, you play a horror game exactly the way it was intended: by solving puzzles and having no enemies anywhere ever. Calling it horror in any sense is rather silly, though having to pay for the game must have been terrifying. After slogging through all of the puzzles, I finally came to some kind of machinery that was talking to me. Turns out it was the voice of Red, a guy who you kill in the first game. He wants you to join him, and while I was ignoring him, I pushed a button. That button, as it turns out, was to open the machinery, which was a furnace… which I walked inside and burned to death, ending the game.

What a twist.

I sat there staring at the screen for a good minute, unable to comprehend that they had just ended the game by having me walk into a furnace and dying. Yes, as it came to pass, by walking into the furnace, you died at the end of the second game, making this entire playthrough worthless. At this point, I decided that no, that wasn’t an acceptable ending, and I went back into the game to force it to give me a different ending. Well, there was a door behind me, so hey, why not? I walked through it. I was back on the ship I had been on during Black Plague, but there was no way out. Eventually the screen went white, ending the game… Really? Again?

After reading up on what had happened, I found out that this was an alternative ending where the ship was the very ship you sailed to Greenland in from the first game, which means that, by entering that door, my character decided to just turn around and go home, making the entire SERIES not happen. Two endings in one game, and they both were horrendous. Not even KOTOR 2 had an ending quite as bad as this. Burn, baby, burn.

#4: Obscure: The Aftermath (Wii)

You’ve heard about this one, huh? It feels like I’ve talked so much about it, just because it was bad in nearly every way. The whole game centers around a bunch of college students, although with their talks of a “Leafmore High,” it’s a tad confusing. A strange flower drug infects a bunch of people and everyone becomes zombie things. Let’s talk about the highlights: in co-op mode, you can bash your friends with melee weapons while they bleed and their characters say such touching phrases like, “Ugh, you’re such a boy!” Riveting. Well, we’re done with that. Let’s get to all the negatives.

Oh look, it’s definitely not Leatherface.

I know I’ve harped about this game before, but it deserves every criticism it gets. The camera is your worst enemy, constantly spinning around to face you when enemies approach. The combat’s alright, but severely hampered by the camera and weak weapons. On top of that, you have to hear every character you play moan and complain about every little thing. The dialogue would even make Barry from Resident Evil cringe. On the back of the box, it says “Six charismatic characters.” There has never been a bigger lie in the history of entertainment. EA couldn’t come up with a better lie. Every single person you meet and/or play as are selfish, shallow, dense, and bring nothing but misery to every conversation they participate in. And guess what? With the exception of the goth chick and the weird dude who both appeared in the first game, everyone dies. They were so charismatic that they all died. I may be one of those people who hates when games kill off the people you play as, but it was really a blessing in disguise here. If the monsters weren’t going to kill these guys, I would’ve had to.

Seen here heading to a dorm room to smoke weed, proving how indispensable they are to the world.

Oh, and yes, there is a part where one of the characters is knocked unconscious by a crazy guy with a bag over his head and wielding a chainsaw, where he’s eventually killed by said crazy guy. I applaud the originality on display here. If this is number four, the bottom three will give you cancer.

#3: Superman 64 (N64)

I’m sorry, it’s terminal.

What is there that hasn’t been said about Superman 64? It makes everything that ever lived bad, whether that’s video games, or movie video games, or superheroes, or the civil rights movement. The graphics are ugly, even for the N64, the controls are unintuitive and basically broken, and the story is as bare-bones as it can be (at the very least, you could say it’s better than Penumbra: Requiem). You spend the first part of the game flying through rings, and when you fail the missions they threw in – yes, you will fail – you get to start all over. Aren’t you having fun yet?

Lex Luthor’s most deadly maze.

The combat is sticky and awful, meaning you’ll spend most of your time punching air. To save automobile drivers, you have to pick them up and, once they’re out of harm’s way, toss them across the map like you might toss this game. If you sit there thinking about how bad your life has become long enough, the demo starts playing, in which even the developers couldn’t play their own game. Superman misses a bunch of rings, skims the ocean, and then just floats under a bridge like he’s contemplating suicide. If the people who made the game can’t play it, there are some underlying problems that may need attention. Oh, and guess what? There’s actually a game after Sonic and the Lost Rings. You fly around bumping into walls, watching enemies phase through walls, get stuck in a room with no escape, and end up exploding because there doesn’t seem to be any way to defuse the bombs. I think Lex Luthor’s plan wasn’t to blow up Metropolis after all: I think his plan was to make a game so bad that Superman’s reputation would never recover. You’re a freaking genius, Luthor.

If a career criminal could get elected president, I truly believe anything is possible.

#2: Tony Hawk Ride (Wii)

It’s really hard to justify many things being worse than the infamous Superman 64, but I’ll try. I’ll give this to Supes: the game, no matter how horrible it is, is playable. It’s playable by the loosest definition alive, but it’s playable. The same can’t be said of Tony Hawk Ride, the game which decided to use a skateboard peripheral. It sure sounded exciting at the time, but the stupid thing just doesn’t work, at all. I should’ve known something was wrong when it took forever just to calibrate the board. Once inside the game, you have two modes: have the game play itself, or crash into the wall and fail. It’s your choice, really.

This is one of the various things you can’t do in the game.

No matter how long we played it, or who was playing it, the board just would not function, and there was no alternative. You killed skateboarding, Buzz Monkey. I hope you’re happy. I bet you’re not.

#1: E.T. (Atari 2600)

I think, deep inside, you knew this was coming. The pinnacle of terrible games, the Cleveland Spiders of our time, it’s E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. We’re all so ashamed. You thought there was plot? Hah, you’re a funny guy, guy. Well, here’s the plot: collect dots before Dick Tracy takes you to jail. See, this is what happens when you give one guy less than two months to make a game.

I want to die.

Those dots are Reeses Pieces, though you’d have to be god to known this. If the game wasn’t annoying enough, there are holes everywhere that you just fall into. Pick yourself back up, and you fall right back in. There are no redeeming factors to this game. It is a morbid curiosity that should’ve stayed buried. We’re all dead now. The cancer, remember?

Now, wasn’t that fun? But on a serious note, all of these games suck. Don’t attempt to play them, or you will die from the disappointment, and the cancer. Not all of the bad games I played could make this list, but I’m going to give them dishonorable mention here, lest they be forgotten: The Bigs (Wii), DDR: Hottest Party (Wii), Hide (Mac), Lone Survivor (Steam), Minority Report (Gamecube), Shark Tale (Gamecube), Star Fox Aventures (Gamecube), Towns (Steam – I’ll kill you, Josh)

My Top Ten Video Games I’ve Ever Played (Pt. 2)

Previously on MTTVGIEP: Games. Now, let’s get back to the show. Today we shall delve from numbers 5-1. If you haven’t read the previous 5, I suggest you do. Or not, whatever.

#5: Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube)

If the princess is on vacation, who runs the kingdom? Is it Daisy?

For some reason, this game seems like it flies under the radar despite critically positive reviews. Maybe it’s just because I don’t hear about people talking about it. They always talk about the old Super Mario World games, or Super Mario 64… perhaps New Super Mario Bros for the newer players. For me, however, my favorite Mario game I’ve ever played is Super Mario Sunshine. This game seems to prove that you can really drop Mario wherever you want and he’ll deliver. This game has greatness all around: a good story, an amazing place to run around in, and plenty of high-caliber levels. Running around Delfino Island and all of its connecting places was some of the best times I’ve ever had playing video games. In fact, if I could do one thing in real life that you do in video games, I’d Blooper surf like you do in Rico Harbor.

I get the feeling PETA would want to get involved.

Like all games, there are a couple flaws: the camera is pretty poor and the voice acting is grating, but that doesn’t really take away from the overall experience. Whether you’re hovering over a broken bridge in Bianco Hill or traversing a dangerous volcano to defeat the final boss, you’re guaranteed to have a good time on Delfino Island, even if the cops are always on you to clean up a mess you didn’t make.

Since when has Mario been translucent, you lazy sacks of fat?

#4: Timesplitters: Future Perfect (Gamecube)

It’s time to split!

With all the new shooters that come out yearly, what are they missing? A sense of humor perhaps, or a plot that you can truly get immersed in and care about what happens. Perhaps even that same plot moving throughout different points in time where you meet many quaint characters.

Characters with lots of personality.

Yes, the modern shooter is missing Timesplitters. Timesplitters is a shooter where you go to different points in time to stop an evil scientist from stealing the time crystals, which are currently needed in the future to stop the aforementioned Timesplitters. You are Hector Cortez, the only thing standing between salvation and destruction. What I’ve already mentioned is how fun this game is to play, with its great characters, settings, plot, and shooting action. But that’s not all! The multiplayer action is beautiful, with lots of fun times to be had with your friends killing bots and each other (I hope you play as the monkeys, for it is the only way). Deathmatch, virus, capture the bag: it all plays out wonderfully through a variety of excellent levels.

An important character for her role in the plot and nothing else.

I’d like to end this part with a small story. Can I? Oh, it’s my blog; of course I can! My brother and I were playing multiplayer Timesplitters one night, and we were trying to avoid killing each other. After the eighth time I killed him, this exchange happened:

CJ: That’s it! I’m tired of you killing me. You’d better watch your back.

Me: I can’t. This is a first person shooter.

Classic.

#3: Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

Obtained: Best console multiplayer ever. Lost: One TV.

What more can you say about this game? It’s pretty much THE best amalgamation of different game series to ever be created (suck on THAT, MvC) with some of the best fun to have with friends of all time. I’m not sure what more I could say about a game this good that nearly everyone has played, so let’s just say this: Yoshi is the bomb diggity.

If she was the princess while Peach was on vacation, she’d never finish greeting everyone.

#2: Luigi’s Mansion (Gamecube)

Always accept free mansions in contests you didn’t enter.

I’ve recently been replaying this game (as I’ve beaten the game several times before), and it’s at least proof to me that time has not clouded the awesomeness that is this game. Luigi, the forgotten brother of the Mario Bros, has won a mansion in a contest he didn’t enter, and decides to head up there after Mario goes missing. Turns out he was kidnapped (similarly to the critically-avoided ‘game’ Mario is Missing), and it’s up to Luigi to save the day using the technology created by one Professor E. Gadd.

Wait, wrong invention.

Similar in a darker way to Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion has a great number of rooms to traverse as you attempt to free Mario. While the puzzles are simple, they’re fun to implement, and there’s plenty of unique ghosts to suck up and riches to collect.

You know Weegie gots to get paid.

When you finally defeat King Boo and have a gallery full of ghost paintings, you know that, truly, Jackson Pollack’s got nothing on you. Still can’t catch those blue ghosts, though…

#1: Team Fortress 2 (Steam)

By the people, for the hats.

You knew this was coming. After playing 1,321 hours in this game, there really wasn’t anything else that could top the world’s greatest hat simulator (there’s even a game hidden behind the hats!). It’s not just the hats, of course: there really isn’t anything more fun than shooting a bunch of cocky strangers and saying silly, often-hilarious one-liners from the strangest mish-mash of characters in a shooter. After countless kills (well, the strange weapons count them…), the fact that this game is free gives no one an excuse not to play it.

Well, that’s the top ten. Remember, this was my personal top ten, so it’s all subjective to my personal opinions. Still, they’re all great games that warrant at least a couple hours of play. So, in conclusion-

Hi, I’m Daisy!

Get out of the blog, Daisy!

My Top Ten Video Games I’ve Ever Played (Pt. 1)

It’s been four months since I’ve made a blog post, huh? Well let’s change that! Today’s topic shall be video games, specifically my top ten video games I’ve ever played (where have I heard that before?). Here’s how it’ll go: 10-6 will be on this blog post, and the next post will have 5-1. Enough with that: let’s begin.

#10: Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jam (Wii)

Ages 3+, apparently.

The first choice will be an odd choice to some. I know because Game Informer gave this game a 5/10. So how did it make the top 10? Well, I like it, so screw you. Seriously though, this is probably the most fun Tony Hawk games since the Pro Skater series, which I admittedly barely remember. It’s actually fun to ride downhill all the time, and there’s enough content and levels to keep a player interested for awhile. So, in conclusion, screw you.

#9: Slender (Mac)

Don’t look behind you.

Yes, it’s now called Slender: The Eight Pages now, but when I played it, it was just called Slender, and the new version apparently doesn’t have $20 mode, which is quite the sin. While the game isn’t actually that long (within ten minutes, you’ll either have all the pages or, most likely, be raped), it’s terrifying enough to be my favorite horror game of all time, just beating out Amnesia: The Dark Descent. With Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs and Slender: The Arrival coming out this year, we’ll have to see if either of these games can unseat Slender as the scariest game I’ve ever played.

#8: Portal 2 (Steam)

The original space program.

This one’s probably another interesting choice, since it’s mostly a puzzle game, and I hate puzzle games. However, this one destroys all other puzzle games (even its own predecessor) by actually making you feel good at completing things and not having every puzzle have some obscure solution. Plus, the dialogue is actually funny and the controls… control well. I’m starting to realize there aren’t a lot of words being written in this blog. Maybe the next one will be better. It’ll be the top 5 after all.

#7: Kirby Air Ride (Gamecube)

I want to eat you in the best possible way.

Here’s another pseudo-racing game that I had a lot of fun playing back in the day, but like another game that’s later in this countdown, this one was most fun with friends. My friends and I would hop in and start smashing everything in sight: trees, buildings, each other; nothing was safe from Kirby’s adorable wrath. We played this game several times, resetting it because we were bored. Top Ride and City Ride were the best of the three modes, so I guess it’s ironic that the least fun mode was Air Ride. If actually accomplishing something was too boring, we’d jump into Free Ride and plays Cops and Robbers. One person is a cop and the rest are the robbers, and the cops need to beat the crap out of the robbers until the explode, and since they’re pink squishy beings, you can slap them around the city with your big cart of destruction. For added excitement, jump onto the city rails and see who chickens out before you crash into each other going top speeds with your destructo-carts (spoiler: it’s neither. You can’t hop off the rails unless you’re at a station. Have fun dying!).

#6: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Steam)

Perpetuating racial stereotypes since 1997.

I had been wanting to play this game for a long time before I finally got it on Steam, but my mom refused to let me get the DS one, Chinatown Wars. I wonder why she wouldn’t let me buy it-

Oh. Right.

Okay, so maybe there’s a bit of violence. Let’s just pretend all of those pedestrians I ran over as I drove on the sidewalk were child molesters. I actually spent the first part of the game trying to not hit any cops, until one literally jumped in front of my car. I guess there’s truly no justice. But all in all, all that stuff is what makes the game fun. The over-the-top silliness that is jumping in a car and running over everything and everyone in your path. It’s a great game, and sure, I’m killing everybody in San Andreas, but at least I’m not actually killing people. It’s a video game, not a murder training simulator.

Next time, the top 5 shall be shown! Hopefully it’ll be better written than this one was.

Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.