Tag Archive: video games


Well, I think you know the deal by now. This time, instead of talking about the games I enjoyed playing, this section will be about the games that made me consider ritual suicide. No, we’re not talking about Mario Party.

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Yet

No, this is about games that I’ve played that were just really, really bad. Now, before you proceed, I will warn you: there will be spoilers concerning these games (though I’m not sure why you would ever want to play these games). There are terrible games that I’ve never played before, therefore they can’t be included. There may be games here that you enjoy (two of these games got high rankings on Metacritic, for example). These are just opinions, so take them as such. Seriously though, they suck. [One final note: almost all of these games are on Nintendo consoles solely because I only played Nintendo consoles. If I had played lots of Xbox or Playstation games, I’m sure there would be some terrible games of those on this list.]

#10: Red Steel (Wii)

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Red Steel was one of the launch titles for the Nintendo Wii, developed by Ubisoft. Ubisoft had been known for good games at the time, and continue to develop good games now, so there wasn’t much reason to doubt that they could harness the capabilities of the new Wiimote. The game ran into a problem, though: it tried doing that. The game itself was pretty boring: you’re an American in California marrying an Asian woman when a bunch of other Asians start shooting at you, insulting you as you shoot them all with your guns. You know, fun.

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Wait, that isn’t a gun…

Something happens on your way to victory, though: you learn the ways of the katana. Now, if you’d played Killing Floor, you’d know that the katana is a great weapon, mostly for stunlocking Scrakes. Alas, there are no Scrakes here. Instead, you’re forced against your will into swordfights where you attempt to harness the power of terrible Wiimote controls. Spoiler alert: you don’t win this fight. The controls are particularly bad here, meaning there isn’t much else to do than to swing the Wiimote violently until your opponent dies. I only bought this game because it came with No More Heroes, so it wasn’t a complete loss. There was a sequel made, but that one wasn’t very good either. Bad move, Ubisoft.

#9: 1080 Snowboarding (N64)

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And here’s one of those games. According to a web archive of Metacritic, this game got an 88 out of 100 (on the current site it has a more sensible 70/100). Why was this game good? I can’t say for certain. All I can say about this game is that you take damage while snowboarding, and if you take enough damage, you lose. It’s not a lot of fun when you’re racing with your friend and you lose because you fell too many times, especially considering the game seems to urge your boarder into falling over every time you try to do a trick. There are much better games out there than this one.

#8: Manhunt 2 (Wii)

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As the previous games have proved, even the best companies have some not-so-great titles. This gory game comes straight from Rockstar, a company familiar with controversy. A particular controversy arose when it appeared on the Wii, when concerned parents feared that kids could practice strangling people with the Wiimote and nunchuck. If any of those parents can replicate a strangling with those controls, I will give them a hundred bucks. The controls are awful, with troubles arising not only from attempting to kill people, but from even such trivial things as standing up. There was a moment in the game where a couple of thugs knocked me down, and it was nigh-on impossible to get back up. Needless to say I died. On top of that, there was one more tiny problem.

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Actual game footage.

See, Manhunt 2, like some horror games I’ve played, says that the best way to play the game is to have it on the lowest brightness setting. Having never encountered this before, I complied and turned it down to as dark as it could go. I continued to play the game like this until I entered a house to evade the police. I spent anywhere from thirty to sixty minutes exploring that house with no idea of what I was doing. At that point, I had no choice: I had to up the brightness setting. And what did I find? I had been running around in a circle the whole time, unable to see where I was going. Great idea, game. Turns out turning on the lights doesn’t make the game any more fun.

#7: Lux-Pain (DS)

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This game is so unfortunate, as it could have been so much more. Being a visual-novel game, there wasn’t much in the way of gameplay, but the story itself had a really great, depressing premise. The main character had to destroy things known as the Silent, which latched onto people and created depressing and even suicidal thoughts. I enjoyed that part… and nothing else. For a game that was basically a book, they seemed to have spent no time actually translating it.

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What’s wrong here? I’ll have to thing about it.

When your product basically does one thing, you’d think that you’d try hard on that one thing. Turns out this may not be the case, as these kinds of errors pop up everywhere, in every instance. Add on the fact that the “gameplay” involves tapping on circular things to defeat “bosses”, and you’ve got a game with a good premise, but an extremely disappointing product. This would’ve been better off as an anime.

#6: Resident Evil 2 (N64)

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Here’s the big one. If there was ever a game I put here that I felt people would start screaming at me for, it would be this one. Resident Evil 2: the game with an 89/100 on Metacritic. A game people loved then and now. A game that showcased the awesomeness of horror games, and is much better than the horror-less action games that started with Resident Evil 4. Okay, I’m not actually sure anyone really thinks this. Let’s start from the top.

My brother was the one who bought RE2, since we heard that it was such a good game. It wasn’t long, however, before my brother was telling me how he couldn’t even get out of the first screen. Well that’s odd, I thought as I went to the game room and took the controller. The very first thing I did upon playing the game was walk straight into fire. Capcom, in all their infinite wisdom, flipped the controls. I was finally able to walk into the next screen, where they were generous enough to change the camera angle. In a move that may have been unprecedentedly stupid, the camera, which isn’t controllable, is differently angled every time you step out of a frame. The worst ones included a top-down view and one that was on the ground, obscuring your view as zombies came at you from that same angle. There are even screens that, once you run into that part of the game, flip the controls so you run right back where you came from. The controls, particularly the ones controlling the aiming of the gun, were awful, meaning it was more advantageous to run away rather than attempt to get your gun around to shooting something. Plus, this game commits a cardinal sin, a sin that no game should ever repeat.

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Where is his beautiful blonde hair?!

In all their infinite wisdom, the developers decided what gamers really wanted was a limited number of saves. So now you only have a limited number of opportunities to save your game, meaning that you potentially will have to go long stretches of the game without a save opportunity. Even worse, the way you save is by putting typewriter tape into the aforementioned typewriter, so you must traverse past hordes of zombies to find a typewriter, then you must pull out a huge roll of tape that takes up precious inventory space just to save your game. With the exception of games without save functions, this is without a doubt the worst possible save structure in video game history. It seems like Capcom is punishing you for not being able to play their entire game without dying in one go. The entire game was just a big misstep on the way to the Resident Evil franchise’s best entry, Resident Evil 4.

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As you were.

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Previously on MTTVGIEP: Games. Now, let’s get back to the show. Today we shall delve from numbers 5-1. If you haven’t read the previous 5, I suggest you do. Or not, whatever.

#5: Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube)

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If the princess is on vacation, who runs the kingdom? Is it Daisy?

For some reason, this game seems like it flies under the radar despite critically positive reviews. Maybe it’s just because I don’t hear about people talking about it. They always talk about the old Super Mario World games, or Super Mario 64… perhaps New Super Mario Bros for the newer players. For me, however, my favorite Mario game I’ve ever played is Super Mario Sunshine. This game seems to prove that you can really drop Mario wherever you want and he’ll deliver. This game has greatness all around: a good story, an amazing place to run around in, and plenty of high-caliber levels. Running around Delfino Island and all of its connecting places was some of the best times I’ve ever had playing video games. In fact, if I could do one thing in real life that you do in video games, I’d Blooper surf like you do in Rico Harbor.

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I get the feeling PETA would want to get involved.

Like all games, there are a couple flaws: the camera is pretty poor and the voice acting is grating, but that doesn’t really take away from the overall experience. Whether you’re hovering over a broken bridge in Bianco Hill or traversing a dangerous volcano to defeat the final boss, you’re guaranteed to have a good time on Delfino Island, even if the cops are always on you to clean up a mess you didn’t make.

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Since when has Mario been translucent, you lazy sacks of fat?

#4: Timesplitters: Future Perfect (Gamecube)

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It’s time to split!

With all the new shooters that come out yearly, what are they missing? A sense of humor perhaps, or a plot that you can truly get immersed in and care about what happens. Perhaps even that same plot moving throughout different points in time where you meet many quaint characters.

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Characters with lots of personality.

Yes, the modern shooter is missing Timesplitters. Timesplitters is a shooter where you go to different points in time to stop an evil scientist from stealing the time crystals, which are currently needed in the future to stop the aforementioned Timesplitters. You are Hector Cortez, the only thing standing between salvation and destruction. What I’ve already mentioned is how fun this game is to play, with its great characters, settings, plot, and shooting action. But that’s not all! The multiplayer action is beautiful, with lots of fun times to be had with your friends killing bots and each other (I hope you play as the monkeys, for it is the only way). Deathmatch, virus, capture the bag: it all plays out wonderfully through a variety of excellent levels.

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An important character for her role in the plot and nothing else.

I’d like to end this part with a small story. Can I? Oh, it’s my blog; of course I can! My brother and I were playing multiplayer Timesplitters one night, and we were trying to avoid killing each other. After the eighth time I killed him, this exchange happened:

CJ: That’s it! I’m tired of you killing me. You’d better watch your back.

Me: I can’t. This is a first person shooter.

Classic.

#3: Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

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Obtained: Best console multiplayer ever. Lost: One TV.

What more can you say about this game? It’s pretty much THE best amalgamation of different game series to ever be created (suck on THAT, MvC) with some of the best fun to have with friends of all time. I’m not sure what more I could say about a game this good that nearly everyone has played, so let’s just say this: Yoshi is the bomb diggity.

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If she was the princess while Peach was on vacation, she’d never finish greeting everyone.

#2: Luigi’s Mansion (Gamecube)

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Always accept free mansions in contests you didn’t enter.

I’ve recently been replaying this game (as I’ve beaten the game several times before), and it’s at least proof to me that time has not clouded the awesomeness that is this game. Luigi, the forgotten brother of the Mario Bros, has won a mansion in a contest he didn’t enter, and decides to head up there after Mario goes missing. Turns out he was kidnapped (similarly to the critically-avoided ‘game’ Mario is Missing), and it’s up to Luigi to save the day using the technology created by one Professor E. Gadd.

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Wait, wrong invention.

Similar in a darker way to Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion has a great number of rooms to traverse as you attempt to free Mario. While the puzzles are simple, they’re fun to implement, and there’s plenty of unique ghosts to suck up and riches to collect.

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You know Weegie gots to get paid.

When you finally defeat King Boo and have a gallery full of ghost paintings, you know that, truly, Jackson Pollack’s got nothing on you. Still can’t catch those blue ghosts, though…

#1: Team Fortress 2 (Steam)

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By the people, for the hats.

You knew this was coming. After playing 1,321 hours in this game, there really wasn’t anything else that could top the world’s greatest hat simulator (there’s even a game hidden behind the hats!). It’s not just the hats, of course: there really isn’t anything more fun than shooting a bunch of cocky strangers and saying silly, often-hilarious one-liners from the strangest mish-mash of characters in a shooter. After countless kills (well, the strange weapons count them…), the fact that this game is free gives no one an excuse not to play it.

Well, that’s the top ten. Remember, this was my personal top ten, so it’s all subjective to my personal opinions. Still, they’re all great games that warrant at least a couple hours of play. So, in conclusion-

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Hi, I’m Daisy!

Get out of the blog, Daisy!

It’s been four months since I’ve made a blog post, huh? Well let’s change that! Today’s topic shall be video games, specifically my top ten video games I’ve ever played (where have I heard that before?). Here’s how it’ll go: 10-6 will be on this blog post, and the next post will have 5-1. Enough with that: let’s begin.

#10: Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jam (Wii)

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Ages 3+, apparently.

The first choice will be an odd choice to some. I know because Game Informer gave this game a 5/10. So how did it make the top 10? Well, I like it, so screw you. Seriously though, this is probably the most fun Tony Hawk games since the Pro Skater series, which I admittedly barely remember. It’s actually fun to ride downhill all the time, and there’s enough content and levels to keep a player interested for awhile. So, in conclusion, screw you.

#9: Slender (Mac)

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Don’t look behind you.

Yes, it’s now called Slender: The Eight Pages now, but when I played it, it was just called Slender, and the new version apparently doesn’t have $20 mode, which is quite the sin. While the game isn’t actually that long (within ten minutes, you’ll either have all the pages or, most likely, be raped), it’s terrifying enough to be my favorite horror game of all time, just beating out Amnesia: The Dark Descent. With Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs and Slender: The Arrival coming out this year, we’ll have to see if either of these games can unseat Slender as the scariest game I’ve ever played.

#8: Portal 2 (Steam)

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The original space program.

This one’s probably another interesting choice, since it’s mostly a puzzle game, and I hate puzzle games. However, this one destroys all other puzzle games (even its own predecessor) by actually making you feel good at completing things and not having every puzzle have some obscure solution. Plus, the dialogue is actually funny and the controls… control well. I’m starting to realize there aren’t a lot of words being written in this blog. Maybe the next one will be better. It’ll be the top 5 after all.

#7: Kirby Air Ride (Gamecube)

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I want to eat you in the best possible way.

Here’s another pseudo-racing game that I had a lot of fun playing back in the day, but like another game that’s later in this countdown, this one was most fun with friends. My friends and I would hop in and start smashing everything in sight: trees, buildings, each other; nothing was safe from Kirby’s adorable wrath. We played this game several times, resetting it because we were bored. Top Ride and City Ride were the best of the three modes, so I guess it’s ironic that the least fun mode was Air Ride. If actually accomplishing something was too boring, we’d jump into Free Ride and plays Cops and Robbers. One person is a cop and the rest are the robbers, and the cops need to beat the crap out of the robbers until the explode, and since they’re pink squishy beings, you can slap them around the city with your big cart of destruction. For added excitement, jump onto the city rails and see who chickens out before you crash into each other going top speeds with your destructo-carts (spoiler: it’s neither. You can’t hop off the rails unless you’re at a station. Have fun dying!).

#6: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Steam)

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Perpetuating racial stereotypes since 1997.

I had been wanting to play this game for a long time before I finally got it on Steam, but my mom refused to let me get the DS one, Chinatown Wars. I wonder why she wouldn’t let me buy it-

Oh. Right.

Okay, so maybe there’s a bit of violence. Let’s just pretend all of those pedestrians I ran over as I drove on the sidewalk were child molesters. I actually spent the first part of the game trying to not hit any cops, until one literally jumped in front of my car. I guess there’s truly no justice. But all in all, all that stuff is what makes the game fun. The over-the-top silliness that is jumping in a car and running over everything and everyone in your path. It’s a great game, and sure, I’m killing everybody in San Andreas, but at least I’m not actually killing people. It’s a video game, not a murder training simulator.

Next time, the top 5 shall be shown! Hopefully it’ll be better written than this one was.

Well, it’s been three months, but I’m finally ready to make a new blog post! Just as planned. I’ve a new idea for a series of bloggin’ posts, but for now I’m gonna talk about a “survival” “horror” “game” called Obscure: The Aftermath for the Wii.

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This one.

I’ve only played this game co-op because you can and because the only fun to be derived from it is in co-op, but I’ll get to that.

The plot of this game is… somewhere. Well, actually, the plot and end are immediately told to you by the protagonist Corey, who tells you in some of the worst voiceovers in game history that he and his friends went crazy and killed teachers… and THEN he did bad things and went to jail. The school they went to is Leafmore High, which is definitely a college. It has professors, student dorms, and a guy who went to college two years prior. So anyway, you’re getting ready to go to a party when you do one hit of weed – one hit – and wake up in a swamp. I am pretty positive that drugs do not work like that. At some point I’m going to find a picture for this stupid stuff.

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Look, a distraction!

After you wake up from your hallucination, the game loses all sense of plot and believability (like there was any to begin with?). The last thing you saw was your girlfriend’s head getting eaten off, and when you see her you remind her that you have to get to a party. Priorities, man! The camera is the real nightmare, worse than Super Mario Sunshine and on par with Resident Evil 2. If you stand perfectly still, it will spin in circles like a retarded dog. When you walk forward, best be sure that it will turn to look behind you. It just has no sense of direction whatsoever, which makes aiming extremely difficult.

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I’ll hit something eventually.

The plot is a mess, the camera is a nightmare, and the characters are dull and oblivious. They don’t even seem to care that everyone around them is dying. This game is just awful, although ironically the controls are good somehow. I mean, it’s on the Wii. There is literally only one thing fun in this game: grabbing a melee weapon and beating the crap out of your co-op partner while they yell at you with dialogue that would be more akin to you punching them on the arm. Anyway, I’m done with this crap, and I’m sure I’ll write more blog posts… eventually.