Tag Archive: wii


Previously on MBTVGIEPP2: unnecessary sword fighting. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

#5: Penumbra: Requiem (Steam)

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Technically this is cheating, since this is an expansion and not a full game. I didn’t even want to put this in the list at first since, after playing it, calling it a game would be a misnomer of the highest caliber. In the end though, I did add it, and we all suffer for it. This is the first – and final – expansion on the Penumbra series by Frictional Games. While I only played the second one (Penumbra: Black Plague), I thought it was acceptable and good segue into the superior Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Then there was this…

Gameplay

Gameplay

Penumbra: Requiem takes place immediately after the events of Black Plague where, spoilers obviously, you get smacked in the back of the head by a Tuurngait and pass out. When you come to, you wake up in the ultimate nightmare: this game. Through the three hours it takes to get through this… thing, you play a horror game exactly the way it was intended: by solving puzzles and having no enemies anywhere ever. Calling it horror in any sense is rather silly, though having to pay for the game must have been terrifying. After slogging through all of the puzzles, I finally came to some kind of machinery that was talking to me. Turns out it was the voice of Red, a guy who you kill in the first game. He wants you to join him, and while I was ignoring him, I pushed a button. That button, as it turns out, was to open the machinery, which was a furnace… which I walked inside and burned to death, ending the game.

What a twist.

What a twist.

I sat there staring at the screen for a good minute, unable to comprehend that they had just ended the game by having me walk into a furnace and dying. Yes, as it came to pass, by walking into the furnace, you died at the end of the second game, making this entire playthrough worthless. At this point, I decided that no, that wasn’t an acceptable ending, and I went back into the game to force it to give me a different ending. Well, there was a door behind me, so hey, why not? I walked through it. I was back on the ship I had been on during Black Plague, but there was no way out. Eventually the screen went white, ending the game… Really? Again?

After reading up on what had happened, I found out that this was an alternative ending where the ship was the very ship you sailed to Greenland in from the first game, which means that, by entering that door, my character decided to just turn around and go home, making the entire SERIES not happen. Two endings in one game, and they both were horrendous. Not even KOTOR 2 had an ending quite as bad as this. Burn, baby, burn.

#4: Obscure: The Aftermath (Wii)

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You’ve heard about this one, huh? It feels like I’ve talked so much about it, just because it was bad in nearly every way. The whole game centers around a bunch of college students, although with their talks of a “Leafmore High,” it’s a tad confusing. A strange flower drug infects a bunch of people and everyone becomes zombie things. Let’s talk about the highlights: in co-op mode, you can bash your friends with melee weapons while they bleed and their characters say such touching phrases like, “Ugh, you’re such a boy!” Riveting. Well, we’re done with that. Let’s get to all the negatives.

Oh look, it's definitely not Leatherface.

Oh look, it’s definitely not Leatherface.

I know I’ve harped about this game before, but it deserves every criticism it gets. The camera is your worst enemy, constantly spinning around to face you when enemies approach. The combat’s alright, but severely hampered by the camera and weak weapons. On top of that, you have to hear every character you play moan and complain about every little thing. The dialogue would even make Barry from Resident Evil cringe. On the back of the box, it says “Six charismatic characters.” There has never been a bigger lie in the history of entertainment. EA couldn’t come up with a better lie. Every single person you meet and/or play as are selfish, shallow, dense, and bring nothing but misery to every conversation they participate in. And guess what? With the exception of the goth chick and the weird dude who both appeared in the first game, everyone dies. They were so charismatic that they all died. I may be one of those people who hates when games kill off the people you play as, but it was really a blessing in disguise here. If the monsters weren’t going to kill these guys, I would’ve had to.

Seen here heading to a dorm room to smoke weed, proving how indispensable they are to the world.

Seen here heading to a dorm room to smoke weed, proving how indispensable they are to the world.

Oh, and yes, there is a part where one of the characters is knocked unconscious by a crazy guy with a bag over his head and wielding a chainsaw, where he’s eventually killed by said crazy guy. I applaud the originality on display here. If this is number four, the bottom three will give you cancer.

#3: Superman 64 (N64)

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I’m sorry, it’s terminal.

What is there that hasn’t been said about Superman 64? It makes everything that ever lived bad, whether that’s video games, or movie video games, or superheroes, or the civil rights movement. The graphics are ugly, even for the N64, the controls are unintuitive and basically broken, and the story is as bare-bones as it can be (at the very least, you could say it’s better than Penumbra: Requiem). You spend the first part of the game flying through rings, and when you fail the missions they threw in – yes, you will fail – you get to start all over. Aren’t you having fun yet?

Lex Luthor's most deadly maze.

Lex Luthor’s most deadly maze.

The combat is sticky and awful, meaning you’ll spend most of your time punching air. To save automobile drivers, you have to pick them up and, once they’re out of harm’s way, toss them across the map like you might toss this game. If you sit there thinking about how bad your life has become long enough, the demo starts playing, in which even the developers couldn’t play their own game. Superman misses a bunch of rings, skims the ocean, and then just floats under a bridge like he’s contemplating suicide. If the people who made the game can’t play it, there are some underlying problems that may need attention. Oh, and guess what? There’s actually a game after Sonic and the Lost Rings. You fly around bumping into walls, watching enemies phase through walls, get stuck in a room with no escape, and end up exploding because there doesn’t seem to be any way to defuse the bombs. I think Lex Luthor’s plan wasn’t to blow up Metropolis after all: I think his plan was to make a game so bad that Superman’s reputation would never recover. You’re a freaking genius, Luthor.

If a career criminal could get elected president, I truly believe anything is possible.

If a career criminal could get elected president, I truly believe anything is possible.

#2: Tony Hawk Ride (Wii)

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It’s really hard to justify many things being worse than the infamous Superman 64, but I’ll try. I’ll give this to Supes: the game, no matter how horrible it is, is playable. It’s playable by the loosest definition alive, but it’s playable. The same can’t be said of Tony Hawk Ride, the game which decided to use a skateboard peripheral. It sure sounded exciting at the time, but the stupid thing just doesn’t work, at all. I should’ve known something was wrong when it took forever just to calibrate the board. Once inside the game, you have two modes: have the game play itself, or crash into the wall and fail. It’s your choice, really.

This is one of the various things you can't do in the game.

This is one of the various things you can’t do in the game.

No matter how long we played it, or who was playing it, the board just would not function, and there was no alternative. You killed skateboarding, Buzz Monkey. I hope you’re happy. I bet you’re not.

#1: E.T. (Atari 2600)

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I think, deep inside, you knew this was coming. The pinnacle of terrible games, the Cleveland Spiders of our time, it’s E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. We’re all so ashamed. You thought there was plot? Hah, you’re a funny guy, guy. Well, here’s the plot: collect dots before Dick Tracy takes you to jail. See, this is what happens when you give one guy less than two months to make a game.

I want to die.

I want to die.

Those dots are Reeses Pieces, though you’d have to be god to known this. If the game wasn’t annoying enough, there are holes everywhere that you just fall into. Pick yourself back up, and you fall right back in. There are no redeeming factors to this game. It is a morbid curiosity that should’ve stayed buried. We’re all dead now. The cancer, remember?

Now, wasn’t that fun? But on a serious note, all of these games suck. Don’t attempt to play them, or you will die from the disappointment, and the cancer. Not all of the bad games I played could make this list, but I’m going to give them dishonorable mention here, lest they be forgotten: The Bigs (Wii), DDR: Hottest Party (Wii), Hide (Mac), Lone Survivor (Steam), Minority Report (Gamecube), Shark Tale (Gamecube), Star Fox Aventures (Gamecube), Towns (Steam – I’ll kill you, Josh)

Well, I think you know the deal by now. This time, instead of talking about the games I enjoyed playing, this section will be about the games that made me consider ritual suicide. No, we’re not talking about Mario Party.

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Yet

No, this is about games that I’ve played that were just really, really bad. Now, before you proceed, I will warn you: there will be spoilers concerning these games (though I’m not sure why you would ever want to play these games). There are terrible games that I’ve never played before, therefore they can’t be included. There may be games here that you enjoy (two of these games got high rankings on Metacritic, for example). These are just opinions, so take them as such. Seriously though, they suck. [One final note: almost all of these games are on Nintendo consoles solely because I only played Nintendo consoles. If I had played lots of Xbox or Playstation games, I’m sure there would be some terrible games of those on this list.]

#10: Red Steel (Wii)

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Red Steel was one of the launch titles for the Nintendo Wii, developed by Ubisoft. Ubisoft had been known for good games at the time, and continue to develop good games now, so there wasn’t much reason to doubt that they could harness the capabilities of the new Wiimote. The game ran into a problem, though: it tried doing that. The game itself was pretty boring: you’re an American in California marrying an Asian woman when a bunch of other Asians start shooting at you, insulting you as you shoot them all with your guns. You know, fun.

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Wait, that isn’t a gun…

Something happens on your way to victory, though: you learn the ways of the katana. Now, if you’d played Killing Floor, you’d know that the katana is a great weapon, mostly for stunlocking Scrakes. Alas, there are no Scrakes here. Instead, you’re forced against your will into swordfights where you attempt to harness the power of terrible Wiimote controls. Spoiler alert: you don’t win this fight. The controls are particularly bad here, meaning there isn’t much else to do than to swing the Wiimote violently until your opponent dies. I only bought this game because it came with No More Heroes, so it wasn’t a complete loss. There was a sequel made, but that one wasn’t very good either. Bad move, Ubisoft.

#9: 1080 Snowboarding (N64)

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And here’s one of those games. According to a web archive of Metacritic, this game got an 88 out of 100 (on the current site it has a more sensible 70/100). Why was this game good? I can’t say for certain. All I can say about this game is that you take damage while snowboarding, and if you take enough damage, you lose. It’s not a lot of fun when you’re racing with your friend and you lose because you fell too many times, especially considering the game seems to urge your boarder into falling over every time you try to do a trick. There are much better games out there than this one.

#8: Manhunt 2 (Wii)

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As the previous games have proved, even the best companies have some not-so-great titles. This gory game comes straight from Rockstar, a company familiar with controversy. A particular controversy arose when it appeared on the Wii, when concerned parents feared that kids could practice strangling people with the Wiimote and nunchuck. If any of those parents can replicate a strangling with those controls, I will give them a hundred bucks. The controls are awful, with troubles arising not only from attempting to kill people, but from even such trivial things as standing up. There was a moment in the game where a couple of thugs knocked me down, and it was nigh-on impossible to get back up. Needless to say I died. On top of that, there was one more tiny problem.

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Actual game footage.

See, Manhunt 2, like some horror games I’ve played, says that the best way to play the game is to have it on the lowest brightness setting. Having never encountered this before, I complied and turned it down to as dark as it could go. I continued to play the game like this until I entered a house to evade the police. I spent anywhere from thirty to sixty minutes exploring that house with no idea of what I was doing. At that point, I had no choice: I had to up the brightness setting. And what did I find? I had been running around in a circle the whole time, unable to see where I was going. Great idea, game. Turns out turning on the lights doesn’t make the game any more fun.

#7: Lux-Pain (DS)

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This game is so unfortunate, as it could have been so much more. Being a visual-novel game, there wasn’t much in the way of gameplay, but the story itself had a really great, depressing premise. The main character had to destroy things known as the Silent, which latched onto people and created depressing and even suicidal thoughts. I enjoyed that part… and nothing else. For a game that was basically a book, they seemed to have spent no time actually translating it.

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What’s wrong here? I’ll have to thing about it.

When your product basically does one thing, you’d think that you’d try hard on that one thing. Turns out this may not be the case, as these kinds of errors pop up everywhere, in every instance. Add on the fact that the “gameplay” involves tapping on circular things to defeat “bosses”, and you’ve got a game with a good premise, but an extremely disappointing product. This would’ve been better off as an anime.

#6: Resident Evil 2 (N64)

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Here’s the big one. If there was ever a game I put here that I felt people would start screaming at me for, it would be this one. Resident Evil 2: the game with an 89/100 on Metacritic. A game people loved then and now. A game that showcased the awesomeness of horror games, and is much better than the horror-less action games that started with Resident Evil 4. Okay, I’m not actually sure anyone really thinks this. Let’s start from the top.

My brother was the one who bought RE2, since we heard that it was such a good game. It wasn’t long, however, before my brother was telling me how he couldn’t even get out of the first screen. Well that’s odd, I thought as I went to the game room and took the controller. The very first thing I did upon playing the game was walk straight into fire. Capcom, in all their infinite wisdom, flipped the controls. I was finally able to walk into the next screen, where they were generous enough to change the camera angle. In a move that may have been unprecedentedly stupid, the camera, which isn’t controllable, is differently angled every time you step out of a frame. The worst ones included a top-down view and one that was on the ground, obscuring your view as zombies came at you from that same angle. There are even screens that, once you run into that part of the game, flip the controls so you run right back where you came from. The controls, particularly the ones controlling the aiming of the gun, were awful, meaning it was more advantageous to run away rather than attempt to get your gun around to shooting something. Plus, this game commits a cardinal sin, a sin that no game should ever repeat.

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Where is his beautiful blonde hair?!

In all their infinite wisdom, the developers decided what gamers really wanted was a limited number of saves. So now you only have a limited number of opportunities to save your game, meaning that you potentially will have to go long stretches of the game without a save opportunity. Even worse, the way you save is by putting typewriter tape into the aforementioned typewriter, so you must traverse past hordes of zombies to find a typewriter, then you must pull out a huge roll of tape that takes up precious inventory space just to save your game. With the exception of games without save functions, this is without a doubt the worst possible save structure in video game history. It seems like Capcom is punishing you for not being able to play their entire game without dying in one go. The entire game was just a big misstep on the way to the Resident Evil franchise’s best entry, Resident Evil 4.

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As you were.

Previously on MTTVGIEP: Games. Now, let’s get back to the show. Today we shall delve from numbers 5-1. If you haven’t read the previous 5, I suggest you do. Or not, whatever.

#5: Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube)

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If the princess is on vacation, who runs the kingdom? Is it Daisy?

For some reason, this game seems like it flies under the radar despite critically positive reviews. Maybe it’s just because I don’t hear about people talking about it. They always talk about the old Super Mario World games, or Super Mario 64… perhaps New Super Mario Bros for the newer players. For me, however, my favorite Mario game I’ve ever played is Super Mario Sunshine. This game seems to prove that you can really drop Mario wherever you want and he’ll deliver. This game has greatness all around: a good story, an amazing place to run around in, and plenty of high-caliber levels. Running around Delfino Island and all of its connecting places was some of the best times I’ve ever had playing video games. In fact, if I could do one thing in real life that you do in video games, I’d Blooper surf like you do in Rico Harbor.

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I get the feeling PETA would want to get involved.

Like all games, there are a couple flaws: the camera is pretty poor and the voice acting is grating, but that doesn’t really take away from the overall experience. Whether you’re hovering over a broken bridge in Bianco Hill or traversing a dangerous volcano to defeat the final boss, you’re guaranteed to have a good time on Delfino Island, even if the cops are always on you to clean up a mess you didn’t make.

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Since when has Mario been translucent, you lazy sacks of fat?

#4: Timesplitters: Future Perfect (Gamecube)

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It’s time to split!

With all the new shooters that come out yearly, what are they missing? A sense of humor perhaps, or a plot that you can truly get immersed in and care about what happens. Perhaps even that same plot moving throughout different points in time where you meet many quaint characters.

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Characters with lots of personality.

Yes, the modern shooter is missing Timesplitters. Timesplitters is a shooter where you go to different points in time to stop an evil scientist from stealing the time crystals, which are currently needed in the future to stop the aforementioned Timesplitters. You are Hector Cortez, the only thing standing between salvation and destruction. What I’ve already mentioned is how fun this game is to play, with its great characters, settings, plot, and shooting action. But that’s not all! The multiplayer action is beautiful, with lots of fun times to be had with your friends killing bots and each other (I hope you play as the monkeys, for it is the only way). Deathmatch, virus, capture the bag: it all plays out wonderfully through a variety of excellent levels.

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An important character for her role in the plot and nothing else.

I’d like to end this part with a small story. Can I? Oh, it’s my blog; of course I can! My brother and I were playing multiplayer Timesplitters one night, and we were trying to avoid killing each other. After the eighth time I killed him, this exchange happened:

CJ: That’s it! I’m tired of you killing me. You’d better watch your back.

Me: I can’t. This is a first person shooter.

Classic.

#3: Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

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Obtained: Best console multiplayer ever. Lost: One TV.

What more can you say about this game? It’s pretty much THE best amalgamation of different game series to ever be created (suck on THAT, MvC) with some of the best fun to have with friends of all time. I’m not sure what more I could say about a game this good that nearly everyone has played, so let’s just say this: Yoshi is the bomb diggity.

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If she was the princess while Peach was on vacation, she’d never finish greeting everyone.

#2: Luigi’s Mansion (Gamecube)

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Always accept free mansions in contests you didn’t enter.

I’ve recently been replaying this game (as I’ve beaten the game several times before), and it’s at least proof to me that time has not clouded the awesomeness that is this game. Luigi, the forgotten brother of the Mario Bros, has won a mansion in a contest he didn’t enter, and decides to head up there after Mario goes missing. Turns out he was kidnapped (similarly to the critically-avoided ‘game’ Mario is Missing), and it’s up to Luigi to save the day using the technology created by one Professor E. Gadd.

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Wait, wrong invention.

Similar in a darker way to Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion has a great number of rooms to traverse as you attempt to free Mario. While the puzzles are simple, they’re fun to implement, and there’s plenty of unique ghosts to suck up and riches to collect.

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You know Weegie gots to get paid.

When you finally defeat King Boo and have a gallery full of ghost paintings, you know that, truly, Jackson Pollack’s got nothing on you. Still can’t catch those blue ghosts, though…

#1: Team Fortress 2 (Steam)

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By the people, for the hats.

You knew this was coming. After playing 1,321 hours in this game, there really wasn’t anything else that could top the world’s greatest hat simulator (there’s even a game hidden behind the hats!). It’s not just the hats, of course: there really isn’t anything more fun than shooting a bunch of cocky strangers and saying silly, often-hilarious one-liners from the strangest mish-mash of characters in a shooter. After countless kills (well, the strange weapons count them…), the fact that this game is free gives no one an excuse not to play it.

Well, that’s the top ten. Remember, this was my personal top ten, so it’s all subjective to my personal opinions. Still, they’re all great games that warrant at least a couple hours of play. So, in conclusion-

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Hi, I’m Daisy!

Get out of the blog, Daisy!

It’s been four months since I’ve made a blog post, huh? Well let’s change that! Today’s topic shall be video games, specifically my top ten video games I’ve ever played (where have I heard that before?). Here’s how it’ll go: 10-6 will be on this blog post, and the next post will have 5-1. Enough with that: let’s begin.

#10: Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jam (Wii)

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Ages 3+, apparently.

The first choice will be an odd choice to some. I know because Game Informer gave this game a 5/10. So how did it make the top 10? Well, I like it, so screw you. Seriously though, this is probably the most fun Tony Hawk games since the Pro Skater series, which I admittedly barely remember. It’s actually fun to ride downhill all the time, and there’s enough content and levels to keep a player interested for awhile. So, in conclusion, screw you.

#9: Slender (Mac)

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Don’t look behind you.

Yes, it’s now called Slender: The Eight Pages now, but when I played it, it was just called Slender, and the new version apparently doesn’t have $20 mode, which is quite the sin. While the game isn’t actually that long (within ten minutes, you’ll either have all the pages or, most likely, be raped), it’s terrifying enough to be my favorite horror game of all time, just beating out Amnesia: The Dark Descent. With Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs and Slender: The Arrival coming out this year, we’ll have to see if either of these games can unseat Slender as the scariest game I’ve ever played.

#8: Portal 2 (Steam)

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The original space program.

This one’s probably another interesting choice, since it’s mostly a puzzle game, and I hate puzzle games. However, this one destroys all other puzzle games (even its own predecessor) by actually making you feel good at completing things and not having every puzzle have some obscure solution. Plus, the dialogue is actually funny and the controls… control well. I’m starting to realize there aren’t a lot of words being written in this blog. Maybe the next one will be better. It’ll be the top 5 after all.

#7: Kirby Air Ride (Gamecube)

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I want to eat you in the best possible way.

Here’s another pseudo-racing game that I had a lot of fun playing back in the day, but like another game that’s later in this countdown, this one was most fun with friends. My friends and I would hop in and start smashing everything in sight: trees, buildings, each other; nothing was safe from Kirby’s adorable wrath. We played this game several times, resetting it because we were bored. Top Ride and City Ride were the best of the three modes, so I guess it’s ironic that the least fun mode was Air Ride. If actually accomplishing something was too boring, we’d jump into Free Ride and plays Cops and Robbers. One person is a cop and the rest are the robbers, and the cops need to beat the crap out of the robbers until the explode, and since they’re pink squishy beings, you can slap them around the city with your big cart of destruction. For added excitement, jump onto the city rails and see who chickens out before you crash into each other going top speeds with your destructo-carts (spoiler: it’s neither. You can’t hop off the rails unless you’re at a station. Have fun dying!).

#6: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Steam)

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Perpetuating racial stereotypes since 1997.

I had been wanting to play this game for a long time before I finally got it on Steam, but my mom refused to let me get the DS one, Chinatown Wars. I wonder why she wouldn’t let me buy it-

Oh. Right.

Okay, so maybe there’s a bit of violence. Let’s just pretend all of those pedestrians I ran over as I drove on the sidewalk were child molesters. I actually spent the first part of the game trying to not hit any cops, until one literally jumped in front of my car. I guess there’s truly no justice. But all in all, all that stuff is what makes the game fun. The over-the-top silliness that is jumping in a car and running over everything and everyone in your path. It’s a great game, and sure, I’m killing everybody in San Andreas, but at least I’m not actually killing people. It’s a video game, not a murder training simulator.

Next time, the top 5 shall be shown! Hopefully it’ll be better written than this one was.

The screech of an alarm pierced through the early morning quiet and stirred me from my slumber. Yawning and stretching my arms, I grasped the alarm clock and dropkicked it against the wall. Why was I awake before noon again? Oh right, Pokémon. It’s always something with Pokémon, isn’t it?

Hello, my name is Katgarr. I’m a ten-year-old boy from New Bark Town and because our society values Pokémon over education, I’ve never had to go to school, ever. There aren’t even any schools in this region. Or anywhere. We’re not very smart. Stretching and leaving the comforts of bed, I walked over to my laptop to check my email. Yes, I’m ten years old and I have my own laptop, a TV, and a Wii. My mom isn’t very responsible, but hey, I ain’t complaining. Now, back to my email. Hey, I got a new email! I hope it isn’t another ad for senior dating: I hate spam mail. Hmm, it’s from my friend Lyra. Let’s see what she sent me… “Adventure! Excited! I love Pokémon!” … Thanks for the breaking news, Lyra.

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Fascinating

I descended downstairs and was greeted by my mom, who informed me that Lyra was out playing with her Marill. What?! She has a Pokémon and I don’t? What is this crap? Then she informed me that Professor Elm wanted to see me. Aww yeah, I know what that means. I’m gonna get my first Pokémon, and it’ll be much cooler than a wimpy Marill! I rushed quickly out of the house and off to the lab… or rather I shambled as slow as possible towards the front door. Why the hell can’t I run?

I shuffled slowly outside, and as soon as I stepped onto the porch a blue blur slammed straight into my chest. I let out a small groan of surprise as I stumbled backwards. Looking down, I saw Lyra’s Marill staring up at me. Lyra immediately came barreling over, the blue little puffball rushing over to her. I called out a greeting, but that little hoebag just grabbed Marill and ran off. Why am I friends with her again? Forget her, I’ll just go to the lab.

As I walked towards the lab, I saw something odd: a red-headed boy staring into the side window. Curious, I walked over and asked him what he was doing. He turned to me and mumbled, “… What are you staring at?” before bumping me out of the way. I was prepared to smash his stupid face in, but it wasn’t worth it… not yet, anyway. I’ll get my Pokémon, then I’ll use it to exact revenge. So into the lab I went.

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This jerk right here

The first person I saw once I stepped inside was a lab assistant. I went to inquire about the location of the professor, but he stopped me and informed me that he wasn’t the professor. Yeah, I got that. Don’t just assume I’m as stupid as you. I look towards the back of the lab and see the professor tinkering with some machines. I walk over and go to introduce myself. He’s ecstatic to see me, and I’ll admit it’s a bit creepy how happy this older man is to see me. Let’s just suppress those feelings for now. As we were talking, he was interrupted by an email. It turns out that his friend Mr. Pokémon has found something and needs the professor to go see it. Being the lazy git that he is, Elm decides that I should go do his work for him. I think about warning him of the creepy kid staring at us through the window as we speak, but now I’m annoyed, so forget you, Elm.

Me: (thinking) What a lazy bum. Forget you, Elm.

Elm: Now before you go, you should pick a Pokémon to take with you.

Me: All is forgiven!

The three starter Pokémon are released and I take a good look at each one. I immediately dismiss Chikorita because that’s a stupid Pokémon. I find that Totodile is a very lively one, and that could be a good asset to have, but there’s something about Cyndaquil… he stares up at me with a gentle gaze, but in his eyes I can see the fire of battle raging inside. That’s the Pokémon I want on my team. Professor Elm tries to interest me in Chikorita, but no dice. I take Cyndaquil’s pokéball and Elm reminds me to go show my mother. As I walk out of the lab, I hear the professor mutter to Chikorita, “I’m never gonna get rid of you.”

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No one likes you, Chikorita. You can’t even get stolen. Go back in your pokéball where you belong.

I go back to my house and show off Cyndaquil to my mom. He shyly looks around the room while she gushes over how cute he is. Of course. “At least you didn’t pick Chikorita,” she told me, “or I would’ve disowned you.”

Mom: So have you given a name to your Cyndaquil?

Me: Yes; I named him Inferno.

Mom: That’s a better name than Greenslash.

Me: What does that mean?

Mom: Ohh, nothing.

[Next time: Innocence is Relative (pt. 2)!]

Well, it’s been three months, but I’m finally ready to make a new blog post! Just as planned. I’ve a new idea for a series of bloggin’ posts, but for now I’m gonna talk about a “survival” “horror” “game” called Obscure: The Aftermath for the Wii.

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This one.

I’ve only played this game co-op because you can and because the only fun to be derived from it is in co-op, but I’ll get to that.

The plot of this game is… somewhere. Well, actually, the plot and end are immediately told to you by the protagonist Corey, who tells you in some of the worst voiceovers in game history that he and his friends went crazy and killed teachers… and THEN he did bad things and went to jail. The school they went to is Leafmore High, which is definitely a college. It has professors, student dorms, and a guy who went to college two years prior. So anyway, you’re getting ready to go to a party when you do one hit of weed – one hit – and wake up in a swamp. I am pretty positive that drugs do not work like that. At some point I’m going to find a picture for this stupid stuff.

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Look, a distraction!

After you wake up from your hallucination, the game loses all sense of plot and believability (like there was any to begin with?). The last thing you saw was your girlfriend’s head getting eaten off, and when you see her you remind her that you have to get to a party. Priorities, man! The camera is the real nightmare, worse than Super Mario Sunshine and on par with Resident Evil 2. If you stand perfectly still, it will spin in circles like a retarded dog. When you walk forward, best be sure that it will turn to look behind you. It just has no sense of direction whatsoever, which makes aiming extremely difficult.

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I’ll hit something eventually.

The plot is a mess, the camera is a nightmare, and the characters are dull and oblivious. They don’t even seem to care that everyone around them is dying. This game is just awful, although ironically the controls are good somehow. I mean, it’s on the Wii. There is literally only one thing fun in this game: grabbing a melee weapon and beating the crap out of your co-op partner while they yell at you with dialogue that would be more akin to you punching them on the arm. Anyway, I’m done with this crap, and I’m sure I’ll write more blog posts… eventually.

Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.