Tag Archive: nintendo


So it’s not 2013 anymore. Whoops. These are the top five old stages that I’d like to see return to the new Super Smash Bros. that’s coming out this year. To be specific, these are stages from the first two SSB games that were not in Brawl.

 

#5: Mushroom Kingdom

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The original hidden stage, Mushroom Kingdom was always fun to play back when I was a kid. Sure, you could get pushed back until you couldn’t be seen and just die, and the middle platforms could always drop you to your death, but there’s a POW block. That’s pretty cool, right? We could bring back this stage and get rid of Mushroomy Kingdom, because the underground portion was awful.

#4: Great Bay

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I think what’s cool about Great Bay (from Melee) is its uniqueness. It’s a smallish stage, yes, but it’s also got a turtle island that betrays you and sinks you to the murky depths of the ocean. Plus, Tingle’s just floating there, waiting to be destroyed so utterly. It’s no Pirate Ship, but it’s a lot more manageable than the behemoth they call Temple. Seriously, shorten that one up.

#3: Yoshi’s Island

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No, wait, that one’s already in Brawl.

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No, that one’s in Brawl too…

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There it is.

Okay, there, that one. It isn’t really anything special, but it’s Yoshi. Yoshi is super and he is the character your world deserves. Yoshi’s Island is really Mario’s stage, and Yoshi’s Island is kind of lame. Now Yoshi’s Island, this one is cooler. It’s from Yoshi’s Story and is super-imposed over our favorite tree, the Super Happy Tree.

Seriously, Yoshi has more than one game. You don’t need to call every stage Yoshi’s Island.

#2: Saffron City

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The strangest stage to be tournament (considering how Ness gets wrecked in that little drop between buildings), this stage is actually pretty cool. The main attraction is the garage thing where Pokemon come out of. Electrode blows you up, Porygon punches you with its face, and then you seek unneeded revenge on Chansey by knocking her smug helpful self out of the stage. Not only could they add more Pokemon, but they could get rid of the original Pokemon Stadium, since it’s really unnecessary. It’s literally Pokemon Stadium 2 with less stuff.

#1: Poke Floats

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What are you doing, Seel?… Why are you watching, Wooper?

Wooper is really happy to see you. Here it is, the best stage we’re missing out on: Poke Float. Now, I dislike moving stages, since they’re too difficult to keep a grip on, but this stage wins points for being full of Pokemon. Sure, it would need some updating (probably) for some hopefully non-Gen V Pokemon, but that would just make it more awesome. I would love to play this stage again in the newest installment of Super Smash Bros. Just… keep Seel away from Venusaur.

Where’s Yoshi, Nintendo? Save Yoshi 2014.

Well, it’s been three months, but I’m finally ready to make a new blog post! Just as planned. I’ve a new idea for a series of bloggin’ posts, but for now I’m gonna talk about a “survival” “horror” “game” called Obscure: The Aftermath for the Wii.

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This one.

I’ve only played this game co-op because you can and because the only fun to be derived from it is in co-op, but I’ll get to that.

The plot of this game is… somewhere. Well, actually, the plot and end are immediately told to you by the protagonist Corey, who tells you in some of the worst voiceovers in game history that he and his friends went crazy and killed teachers… and THEN he did bad things and went to jail. The school they went to is Leafmore High, which is definitely a college. It has professors, student dorms, and a guy who went to college two years prior. So anyway, you’re getting ready to go to a party when you do one hit of weed – one hit – and wake up in a swamp. I am pretty positive that drugs do not work like that. At some point I’m going to find a picture for this stupid stuff.

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Look, a distraction!

After you wake up from your hallucination, the game loses all sense of plot and believability (like there was any to begin with?). The last thing you saw was your girlfriend’s head getting eaten off, and when you see her you remind her that you have to get to a party. Priorities, man! The camera is the real nightmare, worse than Super Mario Sunshine and on par with Resident Evil 2. If you stand perfectly still, it will spin in circles like a retarded dog. When you walk forward, best be sure that it will turn to look behind you. It just has no sense of direction whatsoever, which makes aiming extremely difficult.

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I’ll hit something eventually.

The plot is a mess, the camera is a nightmare, and the characters are dull and oblivious. They don’t even seem to care that everyone around them is dying. This game is just awful, although ironically the controls are good somehow. I mean, it’s on the Wii. There is literally only one thing fun in this game: grabbing a melee weapon and beating the crap out of your co-op partner while they yell at you with dialogue that would be more akin to you punching them on the arm. Anyway, I’m done with this crap, and I’m sure I’ll write more blog posts… eventually.

(The following ‘blog’ is a faux sports post in the stylings of The Onion)

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As the season winds down for the last-place Arizona Diamondbacks, team General Manager Josh Byrnes has sent down Mike Hampton, who was signed in August, to double-A, where he will play with the D’backs’ Wii Sports unit. “Due to the spotty play of our recent acquisition, we have decided that sending him to play some Wii Sports baseball will do him some good,” said Byrnes, who had taken some heat for signing the oft-injured pitcher. Some have found this to be yet another sad chapter for the two-time All Star, but interim manager Kirk Gibson thinks this will help Hampton get back into shape.

“Ever since Wii Sports came out in 2006, we have used this baseball simulator to train some of our players so they can get a feel for major league hitting in a more comfortable environment,” Gibson said in an after-game press conference. “Occasionally, I even get into the ol’ batting stance and take a few cracks off of Voldemort. Man, that noseless a-hole can’t throw a curve!”

As of press time, Hampton has pitched one game in Wii Sports, allowing 5 runs in 2.1 innings. The D’backs are currently looking for suitors.

In the news this week, a 41-year-old teacher is dating his 18-year-old student. This is just… no. Bad teacher. This is almost as bad as Na’Onka (from Survivor). This is barely a part of the blog, but I wanted it to have a barely-tangible part of the title.

Now on to what we’re really talking about: the Wii U. Yes, the Wii U is probably coming out around the time the world ends (December), so we’re all wondering what games will release with it. And by we, I mean Chase and I (or maybe just me). So there are some franchises that haven’t had much love in recent years, and it’s time to bring it back.

Star Fox

Fox McCloud: he was so boss, that people didn’t even care he was a god-danged furry. He shot people with lasers: that’s all I ask of my protagonists.

Why don't you shoot lasers, stupid dog?

The last time Fox was in a new release was Star Fox: Command back in 2006 for the DS (Star Fox 64 3D is a re-release of a re-release and does not count) and hasn’t really been any good since Star Fox Assault for the Gamecube. But back in the day, there was an idea for a new Fox game: Star Fox 2. The idea is old hat, but it doesn’t matter. Going back to this game and giving it a go would be a good way to bring in the Wii U AND bring back good ol’ Fox McCloud back in the game. Just look at those graphics!

Better than most Wii graphics.

This would bring a great return to one of Nintendo’s most venerable franchises: great action, great shooting, great story.

Great character development.

Timesplitters

This is not a Nintendo franchise, but it does not matter! This was my favorite FPS I ever played ever (until TF2). The shooter genre is pretty same-y, but the trio of games (specifically Future Perfect) stood out with its hilarious dialogue and the ability to shoot allies.

"I never liked you, Cortez!"

There was talk of a Timesplitters 4, but nothing has come out yet. Where you at, TS4? It’s time to split, now more than ever!

Ice Climbers

What’s that you say? Ice Climbers aren’t hardcore? They only had one game that was bettered by the same gameplay a year later with Kid Icarus? You don’t know hardcore, 5 people who are reading my blog. Nana and Popo put Master Chief and Nathan Drake to shame erryday. They hear your pleas of saving the polar bears, and they screw you and beat them to death!

I can't hear your animal rights laws over my freaking hammer!

Alright, that’s all. Well, the MLB expanded the playoffs so there are 10 teams instead of 8. This is stupid, and you are a terrible commissioner, Bud Selig. You are diluting the playoffs with lesser teams… and would you add instant replay already?! When is this guy gonna quit already? Probably gonna make an all-baseball blog post sometime. See you later, blog reader(s)! Let’s make fun of John and Ben, since I know they aren’t reading this.

And just so you know, here’s the song that my blog post is titled after (it’s gonna be a recurring trend):

Who Needs Quality Testers?

It’s been two weeks since Valve released a Steam update that broke Team Fortress 2 for Mac users. The next update (about a week later) fixed it. And their newest update? You guessed it, it broke TF2 once again. So in the spirit of game developers making poor decisions, it’s time to talk about really terrible games I’ve seen/played! We’ll put these suckers into sections, so let’s get this ball rolling.

Terrible Controls

If you’re thinking, “Terrible controls? That’s got the Wii written all over it!”, you’re right, because all of these games are on the Wii and use the Wiimote. And yes, saying they use the Wiimote on the Wii seems redundant, but the best Wii games put the Wiimote on its side (and the best of the best don’t use it at all).

Manhunt 2

Manhunt 2 came to the Wii with lots of controversy. “Oh no!” cried really bored parents and lawmakers with nothing better to do, “This game is so violent and our kids will play it and it will teach them to kill people because you can choke a foo’ with the Wiimote+nunchuck!” Well, hypothetical parents, if your kid can successfully use the control scheme to kill someone as intended, then they are pretty much serial killers already. That game was NOT made with the Wii in mind. The controls were shoddy at its best: putting the Wiimote in a choking hold will do nothing but make you look like an idiot. To play this game, like most Wiimote-based games, you’re going to have to shake the controller around until someone dies.

Flick the Wiimote + Nunchuck up to do nothing!

I had to sell the game to Gamestop (mercifully), when I came to a situation where the guards would beat me down, and there isn’t really a way to get back up. You have to shake the Wiimote constantly, and then they’ll just hit you back down again. This game was poorly-made for the Wii, and do not be fooled by promises of murder: you’re the one getting killed.

Red Steel/Red Steel 2

Apparently, this game was to come out on the Wii and make that controller work its magic. I’m not so sure. But regardless of that, the game (we’re talking the first Red Steel right now) was not a very good game. Besides looking terrible (most Wii games do), it was just a low-tier shooter with swordplay put in. And the swordplay wasn’t even good: it just made you flail around wildly and furiously until the other guy died (unless you had to stop for a second so they’d stop blocking like pansies). So just use your gun, right? That’s easier. Nope! They force you into sword battles, no matter how much you try to shoot your gun.

No I don't want to use my sword-awww

The plot was also not very good, making you wonder if there was a part that was supposed to be put in, but left out just because. So along comes Red Steel 2, and it’s time to fix those problems! Well, not really. The main thing they changed is that instead of a shooter with forced sword combat, it’s a swordplay game with some bullets. The sword is actually worth using, but is still plagued by poor controls: there’s no point in using combos or actual swordfighting techniques. You’re just going to flail around until everyone is dead (like in all Wii games). The plot is still full of potholes… plotholes, and the dialogue is annoying (but at least the voice acting is okay). The sequel IS better than the original, but I can’t really recommend either.

Tony Hawk: Ride

Because of all the words that are happening, I’ll only do three games today, but I’ve saved the worst for last. Perhaps even worse than Superman 64 (don’t worry, we’ll get to it), this game was created to cash in on peripherals, and they probably didn’t hire any quality testers because only nerds do that. Unlike the other two games on the list, this game is literally unplayable, where 99 times out of 100 you will fail your mission, and you will fail it hard. If you pick the easiest mode, then it steers the board for you, and you might as well not even play. But if you pick the mode above it, then you still have no control. It turns whether you like it or not, it moves when it wants to, and you will crash into everything.

It's like playing Grand Theft Auto without the fun

The soundtrack is lame, but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. If you jump on that board, you are destined to have no fun on your journey to hell (and if you’re Chase, you’re probably gonna kick the board through my TV).

Next time on: I hate these games please die, more games, and I get the feeling we’re still gonna be on the Terrible Controls part of it. But them’s the breaks.