The screech of an alarm pierced through the early morning quiet and stirred me from my slumber. Yawning and stretching my arms, I grasped the alarm clock and dropkicked it against the wall. Why was I awake before noon again? Oh right, Pokémon. It’s always something with Pokémon, isn’t it?

Hello, my name is Katgarr. I’m a ten-year-old boy from New Bark Town and because our society values Pokémon over education, I’ve never had to go to school, ever. There aren’t even any schools in this region. Or anywhere. We’re not very smart. Stretching and leaving the comforts of bed, I walked over to my laptop to check my email. Yes, I’m ten years old and I have my own laptop, a TV, and a Wii. My mom isn’t very responsible, but hey, I ain’t complaining. Now, back to my email. Hey, I got a new email! I hope it isn’t another ad for senior dating: I hate spam mail. Hmm, it’s from my friend Lyra. Let’s see what she sent me… “Adventure! Excited! I love Pokémon!” … Thanks for the breaking news, Lyra.

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Fascinating

I descended downstairs and was greeted by my mom, who informed me that Lyra was out playing with her Marill. What?! She has a Pokémon and I don’t? What is this crap? Then she informed me that Professor Elm wanted to see me. Aww yeah, I know what that means. I’m gonna get my first Pokémon, and it’ll be much cooler than a wimpy Marill! I rushed quickly out of the house and off to the lab… or rather I shambled as slow as possible towards the front door. Why the hell can’t I run?

I shuffled slowly outside, and as soon as I stepped onto the porch a blue blur slammed straight into my chest. I let out a small groan of surprise as I stumbled backwards. Looking down, I saw Lyra’s Marill staring up at me. Lyra immediately came barreling over, the blue little puffball rushing over to her. I called out a greeting, but that little hoebag just grabbed Marill and ran off. Why am I friends with her again? Forget her, I’ll just go to the lab.

As I walked towards the lab, I saw something odd: a red-headed boy staring into the side window. Curious, I walked over and asked him what he was doing. He turned to me and mumbled, “… What are you staring at?” before bumping me out of the way. I was prepared to smash his stupid face in, but it wasn’t worth it… not yet, anyway. I’ll get my Pokémon, then I’ll use it to exact revenge. So into the lab I went.

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This jerk right here

The first person I saw once I stepped inside was a lab assistant. I went to inquire about the location of the professor, but he stopped me and informed me that he wasn’t the professor. Yeah, I got that. Don’t just assume I’m as stupid as you. I look towards the back of the lab and see the professor tinkering with some machines. I walk over and go to introduce myself. He’s ecstatic to see me, and I’ll admit it’s a bit creepy how happy this older man is to see me. Let’s just suppress those feelings for now. As we were talking, he was interrupted by an email. It turns out that his friend Mr. Pokémon has found something and needs the professor to go see it. Being the lazy git that he is, Elm decides that I should go do his work for him. I think about warning him of the creepy kid staring at us through the window as we speak, but now I’m annoyed, so forget you, Elm.

Me: (thinking) What a lazy bum. Forget you, Elm.

Elm: Now before you go, you should pick a Pokémon to take with you.

Me: All is forgiven!

The three starter Pokémon are released and I take a good look at each one. I immediately dismiss Chikorita because that’s a stupid Pokémon. I find that Totodile is a very lively one, and that could be a good asset to have, but there’s something about Cyndaquil… he stares up at me with a gentle gaze, but in his eyes I can see the fire of battle raging inside. That’s the Pokémon I want on my team. Professor Elm tries to interest me in Chikorita, but no dice. I take Cyndaquil’s pokéball and Elm reminds me to go show my mother. As I walk out of the lab, I hear the professor mutter to Chikorita, “I’m never gonna get rid of you.”

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No one likes you, Chikorita. You can’t even get stolen. Go back in your pokéball where you belong.

I go back to my house and show off Cyndaquil to my mom. He shyly looks around the room while she gushes over how cute he is. Of course. “At least you didn’t pick Chikorita,” she told me, “or I would’ve disowned you.”

Mom: So have you given a name to your Cyndaquil?

Me: Yes; I named him Inferno.

Mom: That’s a better name than Greenslash.

Me: What does that mean?

Mom: Ohh, nothing.

[Next time: Innocence is Relative (pt. 2)!]

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